Day Twenty-Four

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Fifteen

“True happiness comes from within and has little bearing on the affectation of indifference to external sources.”

T’was another long, uneventful day. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to get a few things accomplished (like going to the gym and doing some cleaning around the house), but nothing really extraordinary happened today.

Today’s lesson almost sounds like it’s telling us that happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with the world around us. While I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, I cannot agree with the second. All of us are affected daily by the world around us and the actions of those who reside there.

As much as I would love to tell you that the only opinion that really matters to me is my own; that would be a lie. The opinions of others matter a great deal to me, which is why I dress the way I do, listen to the music I listen to, and make many of my daily decisions. What other people say and do affect us all; and one of the ways it can affect us is by altering our happiness. When a person insults me, it has a negative effect on my attitude. I could be on cloud nine, but I hear one bad comment and I’m suddenly so angry I could scream.

While the basis of happiness comes from within, outside influences can (and will) change one’s outlook. Don’t fret, however; we all choose what we do with the energy other people send our way. While I may not handle the negativity well, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. The world is what you make of it, and I guess that’s what really matters with today’s lesson.

I would continue my thoughts, but I’m suddenly overcome by a wave of sleepiness.

Goodnight, everyone. Blessed be.

Day Ten

“Openness attracts openness. Sincerity and truthfulness are the foundations of authentic relationship; whereas fear, the sign of obscuration, is its biggest foe.”

As much as I would love to say that I’m open with everyone, I’m really not; which is something I found out today even before I read the day’s lesson. I overheard my parents having a conversation about me this morning. I won’t go into detail, but they’re getting irritated with me, and will talk to each other about it, but not to me. In all fairness, I had plenty of opportunities today to bring up the subject, but I didn’t. It was just easier to let things go unsaid.

Needless to say, I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents at this point in my life. It’s a work in progress. There is a reason I’m not open with my parents. I have done a lot over my lifetime which my parents were not pleased with (sometimes even to the point of being a major disappointment), and since I’m currently stuck living with them, I really don’t want to do anything to offend them or disappoint them more than I have. Instead, I go through life quiet as a mouse, hoping to sneak by without a squeak so as not to upset the delicate balance of life in the house.

Obviously, this fear I have of upsetting my parents is killing the relationship, but I’m too afraid to tell them what’s really been going on…at least, not yet. I don’t want to ruin the holidays (and what little freedom I have). I will wait until next year to talk to them about the situation that’s been upsetting them.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now that I’ve given an example of a bad relationship based on fear, let’s balance it out with an open relationship. My best friend (who happens to be male) and I can talk about anything. I’m not just saying that, we really can, and do, talk about everything. I talk to him about my cycle and the terrible cramps which accompany it; he tells me about his sexual escapades. There are no borders and no rules (except honesty and an open mind). Though we are different religions, we even help each other develop spiritually. It is wonderful to have this type of connection with someone that is based on truth, love, and trust, and to know that there is no judgment between us.

My soul is happy with what I’ve learned today. Everyone has had at least one relationship which is based on fear instead of love and truth. At this point, I am going to try to fix my broken relationship with my parents. It’s going to take a fair amount of work, but I’m more than willing to pit in the time and effort. My parents are worth it. I will go at it one relationship at a time, and I won’t stop until I’ve fixed them all.

Blessed Yule, and goodnight.

Day Six

“To extend loving kindness and compassion without condition is the definitive action of benevolence.”

                Today was a crash day. That’s what I call it when all of the negative emotions I have been suppressing come crashing through my barriers and overwhelm me all at once. I woke up far earlier than I should have, completely convinced that I was the most hated human on the planet. Of course, I know this isn’t true and after a few hours of tears and reflection I was able to convince myself of this.

                I was not alone in my endeavor. I had a few dear friends share some encouraging thoughts and words, and even though I was still crying, it was good to know that I was am loved and that I have good friends who are there for me when I need them. To my, these friends embody today’s lesson. One friend in particular – yes, I know you’re reading this and you know exactly who you are – has shown such kindness and compassion that nothing I do will ever be enough to thank her. Yet she expects nothing in return (aside from my friendship, which I willingly give).

                Unconditional love is a funny thing. I have loved unconditionally before; recently, in fact. Do you know what I got from giving this unconditional love? Five years of lies, deceit, and being used. I believe that extending love, kindness, and compassion is a wonderful thing, and people who are able to do so have an amazing gift. However, it has been pointed out to me that while it is important to show others love and compassion, it is equally important to show yourself some as well.

                This confused me a bit at first, but then as I thought on it, it really set in. If I were to use all of my energy in one single day being kind to others and being completely selfless, I’m sure people would think I was a great person. But if I did that, I would have no energy left for myself and could end up very sick (I have had it happen on several occasions). From personal experience, the average cold will last 2-3 days. So if I give my all to others for one day, I will have to be selfish for 2-3 in order to recover, but if I save a little love and kindness for myself (translation – if I take care of others AND take care of myself), I will be giving a little less each day, but I will be able to share more of the love that I have to give because I will not be spending so much of my time trying to recover.

                What I gleaned from today’s lesson is this: showing compassion and kindness to others, without expecting payment for your deeds, is one of the most noble things you can do for others and yourself.

Day Two

“Action that arises from the motivation of awakening mind can always be counted upon to deliver the right kind of fruition.”

                I felt part of yesterday’s resolve slipping during today’s morning traffic. Luckily, as the day continued I could feel the peace creeping back into the center of my being. After a rather full work day, I came home to an evening of chores and helping with homework. However, I was able to take a short amount of time to myself for today’s lesson. 

                I recently experienced an awakening; not of my mind, but of my heart. It is a strange thing, feeling something so powerful one day, only to wake up the next and realize it was all a lie. No matter how much I may have wanted to close my eyes and keep believing the lie (and I did try), I knew that I would never believe it again.

                An awakening of the mind is very similar. It is when you realize that there is more to life than you. If you have not yet been awakened in this way, then you are (in my opinion) missing out. As with my compassion, I am on the path to awakening. My eyes are slowly opening to the truth that is all around me. As much as I want it to sometimes, the world does not revolve around me; there are many others that I must share it with, and though some may have it better, there are those who have it worse.

                With this in mind, I come to the conclusion of today’s lesson. The acts of someone who is awakening (or has already done so) are for the good of others, and not for selfish reasons. Because of this, the outcome will be beneficial to many instead of just to one.

Solo

Would have posted this sooner, but by cold has been kicking my rear end these past few days.

Wednesday evening, I performed my very first solo ritual. One of the ingredients I need for the cleansing I will be doing tomorrow is Holy Water, which is in short supply, since there are no stores in the area. Anyway, I adapted the Holy Water ritual from Silver RavenWolf's book Solitary Witch. Since it was my first solitary ritual, as well as my first ritual in nearly 5 years, I decided to have the instructions written down next to me for each step (so I wouldn't forget anything).

The feeling was absolutely amazing. I could feel the power of the Goddess and God flowing through me as I preformed the blessing. It was enough to make me cry tears of joy, and when I was finished, I was full of a confidence and energy I haven't felt in years. Truly, if you have never performed a ritual, whether alone or with others, I highly recommend it.

Book of Shadows

I started working on my Book of Shadows today. Years ago, I remember thinking a Book of Shadows (BOS) had to be a huge, leather-bound book. It had to be filled with parchment paper and I would write in it all of my spells and thoughts on magick, but it would have to be written with an old-fashioned quill pen in perfect, even handwriting. It's entirely possible that I watched too much "Sabrina: The Teenage Witch" and "Charmed" when I was younger. I have since learned that the medium doesn't matter so much as the intent. So, without further ado, here's how I set up my BOS.

Materials:
1 - 2" Black Binder
1 - Silver Sharpie
2 - Packs of Sheet Protectors
1 - Pack of Binder Paper
2 - Packs of Dividers

With the silver Sharpie, I wrote "Book of Shadows" on the front cover. Then I opened the packs of sheet protectors and put them inside the binder. I printed out the Wiccan Rede and slipped it into the first sheet protector. I have also printed out a few spells, meditations, and general guides (meanings of colors, different crystals and stones, and a few other tidbits) that will also go in. The binder paper is all the way at the back, so that if I have notes to write or if I want to write or modify a spell, I can use that and then put it in a sheet protector. For the dividers, I have written on the tabs a few different sections for easy reference (basic rituals, cleansing spells, general information, meditations, tarot readings, tools, runes...).

It really is much easier to put together than I had originally anticipated. And, of course, what I did may not work for everyone, just do what is comfortable for you and within budget. There really is no need to break the bank buying a special journal to use if you don't have the money for one. Especially at back-to-school time, when many stores are having sales on everything I used for my own BOS. What's really important in all of this is that, no matter how you do it, your BOS works for YOU.

Blessed Be,
NightDancer

Deja Vu

For several months before my return to Paganism, I would have these strange episodes of deja vu. They were the most extreme in December. It wasn't just that I had experienced something similar, but I already knew exactly what was going to happen next. I would become dizzy and nauseated, and then I would just know. The most vivid was such a simple event: I was driving home from work and chatting on the phone with my fiance (using a headset, of course). I felt the dizziness and nausea, and suddenly I knew exactly how the conversation would pan out; every joke, every detail, every sigh. I even knew that I would be seeing a wild rabbit bolt across the road ahead of me.

Now, I have done as much reading as I can on the subject, but since deja vu cannot be predicted, it is very difficult to for scientists to study in order to determine a cause. Now, being the open-minded person I am, I do not think that all things can be explained by science. This is one of those things. Instead, I like to think that these incidents were more a message from a guardian or guide to be on my toes. I have a very good reason for this line of thinking. Though I can't recall every incident of deja vu, the one mentioned above sticks out in my mind for another reason: it saved my life. I am the type of person who, if I think I can make it through a yellow light, I will speed up a bit. In my deja vu haze, I myself stopping like a good girl and another car blast through the intersection just as the light turned red for me to stop. Without that knowing that I needed to stop, I would have rolled through and been hit by the other car.

While I'm not certain what unseen entities surround us all daily, I am thankful that they are here and that st least some of them are benevolent and extremely helpful.

Blessed Be

Don't Roll Your Eyes...

Tonight I prayed for the first time in a very long time. At this point, you may be asking why a self-proclaimed Pagan would spend any time praying. To this, I have but one question... why wouldn't I pray? Many of the Pagans I have met considered prayer a Christian thing and just wrote it off as useless to anyone who wasn't part of that religion. Of course, those were also the people who told me I was "doing it wrong" when I said I didn't belong to a coven, hadn't participated in any group ceremonies or rituals, and prefer a solitary practice of my religion/spirituality.

Back on topic, I have never known a more direct way to getting in touch with the higher powers than through prayer. There is no need for me to break out the altar and the white robe so that I can perform a ritual every time I wish to communicate. I don't have to chant, beat out a rhythm on the drums, or rhyme everything I say. I close my eyes, focus my energy, and reach out to the world around me. I usually don't pray aloud, since the sound of my own voice tends to break my concentration. Instead, I look within myself for what it is I am seeking and ask for it in my mind and in my heart. There is no set amount of time for me to do this; once I am certain that I have been "heard" by the higher powers, I give thanks and break the connection.

With what I've just revealed, you may now be asking a different question: How do you know when you've been heard? On this, I can only speak through my own experience. I feel it. It is a seed of warmth and light planted in my heart. Once the warmth and light surrounds me and envelops me in a sense of peace, I know I have been heard. This is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced. All of my fears and doubts are washed away, if only for a few moments.

Now I present you with a of couple questions of my own: How do you pray? How do you know if you have been heard?

Starting Over

I think part of the reason many people look down at Pagans is because, when asked about our beliefs, many of us do not know how to respond. This is probably because so many who are interested pick up whatever random book strikes their fancy and start in the middle instead of at the beginning. It is difficult to grasp the intricacies of rituals and develop a deep connection when you do not really understand what you are supposed to be connecting with. When I was younger, I remember spending hours in the "Alternative Religion" section of bookstores looking for spellbooks because I thought that's all there was to Wicca and Paganism.

After much searching, I have been able to find the books, tarot cards, crystals, and other items I thought I would never see again. Most of what I have are more "advanced" than I feel at the moment, so I went out and purchased a book called  Pagan Spirituality: A Guide to Personal Transformation. Don't get me wrong, the other books I have are wonderful and informative, but I feel the need to develop my spirituality before I venture out into the rest of Paganism.

How can anyone explain a religion they don't understand? The simple answer is: They can't. And too many people are afraid of Paganism (regardless of which branch of Paganism is practiced). When people ask what my religion is - and then question that religion - I want to be able to say with confidence what I believe and why others are wrong to think Pagans are evil.

Born Again Pagan

I have been a Pagan for around 12 years, but haven’t been active in my spirituality or religion in nearly six years. My family recently began attending church on Sundays. I have been invited, but, being Pagan, I have no interest so I haven’t joined them. In the last few weeks, I’ve been to two funerals and a wedding – and between those three events, I probably sat through 2 hours of sermons and preaching. During the sermons, my family and friends sat teary-eyed while I remained unmoved.

Over the weekend, I realized that I wanted to get back to where I was years ago. I’m writing this blog to share my experiences and the difficulties in being a Pagan in a Christian home. Also, I have found many informative blogs, but few (if any) have started from the beginning of their journey. While my journey technically began over 12 years ago, I am starting from scratch this time around.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I hope my experiences help you to grow and develop.

Blessed Be