Don't Spell Angry

If the name doesn't make sense, it soon will. I'm pretty sure just about everyone loses their temper sometimes. We all get mad, get hurt, and when that happens, some of us just want to get even. The unfortunate side effect of these feelings is that usually someone gets hurt when people seek vengeance, and the vengeful person usually ends up regretting their actions.

For those of us who are part of the magical community, this gets even more dangerous (and it becomes even more important to calm yourself down). Really, what's the worst that could happen? So many things, especially if you think the best course of action is revenge and you are proficient with spells. Take into consideration that, when someone is angry or hurt, they "Harm None" thing tends to fly out the window.

From personal experience, I know that there are two options when a person is extremely angry, hurt, or upset when attempting spell-work. The first option is that you will be unable to focus properly; in this circumstance, the intent of the spell can be skewed. Even if you attempting to heal the emotional pain you are suffering, the energy can go wild, instead harming yourself or someone close to you. The second option is that you will be able to focus intently. So what? So you may believe you are thinking clearly and that you really do want to (insert malevolent action here) to whomever hurt you or belittled you or wronged you, but when you are calm again, you will realize that what you did was wrong. And when you realize that it is better to forgive people who are jerks sometimes, it will be too late, because by then the damage will have been done (and at this point, YOU will be the bigger jerk).

No matter how right it may feel at the time, you should never attempt a ritual or spell while you are mad. Take the time to cool off and calm down. And even when you are calm, make sure that your spell-work is focused on letting go and healing instead of harming those who have harmed you.

Day Twenty-Six

“True happiness comes with the realization of one’s true nature and identity.”

I needed a few days off to reflect on where I truly am in my life right now. Things have been up and down (mostly down) this year, and I needed to take a step back and get some perspective. I realized that part of the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m holding onto old ideas and dreams that aren’t my own. Some are from my family, others from past failures in an attempt to find love, and others still are from friends. My eyes are more open now than ever before, and with that comes the ability to see that some things either need to be put on the back-burner for a while, or thrown out altogether.

Some projects that were precious to me are getting tossed out. It’s time to start anew. The reason I’m starting over now is because I’m finding out what I enjoy. I am accepting things that – in the past – I didn’t like about myself. But the reason I didn’t like these things is because someone else said it was wrong for me to be a certain way, or like certain things, or think certain thoughts. Well guess what? It’s my life, and no one can dictate what I can and cannot do except me. I’m not talking about breaking laws here; I’m just talking about being myself and being ok with who I am.

Part of this process is breaking down the barriers that I’ve worked so hard to put up around myself. Unfortunately, the raw emotions those barriers used to keep out is flooding into my soul at a rather alarming rate. The emotions are completely overwhelming part of the time, and I find myself only able to cry. As I learn the driving force behind each emotion, I am able to gain a bit of control over it. Slowly, I am opening myself up as well as discovering who I am. And so far I have discovered that I may not be the person everyone wants me to be, but I am the best me I can be (and getting better by the day)…which is something I am happy with.

Finding your true self is not something that just happens. It takes time and effort; but it is worth everything you put into it and more.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty One

“Without first taking note from the way how we respond to the world around us through repeated listening, repeated contemplation and repeated meditation, there can be no advancement in our spiritual growth, and without spiritual evolution, there can never be true happiness or peace of mind.”

Sometimes change seems easy and effortless. Other times, it can be the most difficult thing in the world. One of the ways I have changed lately is to really take in what people tell me, to listen more than I talk, and to show more respect to those around me. That was actually one of the easier things I’ve done.

This project is one of the more difficult tasks; things that create real change in your life always will be. I spend a little more time each day in meditation, reflecting not only on the day’s lesson, but also on the events of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time; such as how many things have gone awry and how often everything seems to just fall apart at the most inconvenient times. However, I don’t regret anything that’s gone wrong in my life. Every step has led me to this moment, and with the changes that are happening, I can’t be upset about any of the bad things that’ve happened.

It’s slow progress, but I can feel the peace settling over me with each passing day. My mind is opening and so is my heart, and with those two things comes a happiness I haven’t known in a very long time.

Blessed Be.

Day Seventeen

“Those who desire happiness by means of wayward abandonment will never find happiness.”

As much as I wish it were otherwise, my depression has wrapped its tentacles around my neck and is currently strangling all of the happiness, hope, and love out of me. I am fighting it as best I can, but since I refuse to be put on anti-depressants (the possible side-effects are worse than the depression) it is not a particularly easy task.  So if today’s blog seems a little more down than usual, that is why.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy to figure out exactly what today’s lesson means. My mind is not in the mood to decipher. Instead, I will again relate what I have learned through personal experience. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for things to get better. In spite of my depression, I consider myself a bit of an optimist. But I am always waiting for things to get better. As if I will just wake up one morning and all my trouble will be diminished; no more debt, no more depression, no more car trouble or relationship trouble or money problems. I will wake up one morning – without actually putting effort into my life – and I will have tons of friends and the perfect house and everything that goes along with it.

Obviously, that’s a big load of crap. I sit on my butt and hope things will ‘get better’, but I never do anything to actually make things better for myself (or anyone else). So many people are like that these days. We would all rather just wait for things to happen instead of taking chances to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. No one will ever be happy if we all just sit back and wait for ‘it’ to ‘happen’…because it never will.

People in my generation (and those younger than mine) are becoming lazy; perhaps not all of us, but a damn decent portion. Guess what people? If you want to be happy, you need to get off your ass and go make it happen. Take chances, take initiative, do more with your life than play video games and gossip about people. There’s a lot more to life than those things.

I don’t know about happiness, but I did manage to find a moment of peace recently. I went to one of the local parks and went for a walk. I watched the squirrels as they raced around the trees and listened to the ducks and the geese call to each other. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to remember what’s really important in life; and what’s important is not my computer; or catching up with the latest episode of some TV show, or gossiping about celebrities.

Figure out what peace and happiness are, my friends. They may not be what you were expecting, but nothing ever is.

Blessed Be.

Day Sixteen

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.

Day Thirteen

“In all relationships, avoid the embroilment of power struggle and hidden agenda which involves, either manipulating our partner into submission, or compromising yourself for the sake of sustaining a state of dependency.”

Merry Christmas (for those who celebrate)! For those who don’t, I still hope you had a wonderful day. Today was a long day for me, but not in a bad way.

As with yesterday, I haven’t had a lot of time to contemplate the lesson today. Though, I don’t know that ‘lesson’ is the right word. In a way it is a lesson I have already learned, but one I never really had words for. Today it’s more of a drop of wisdom.

Today’s drop of wisdom describes at least my last five relationships. I’ve been on both sides of the dial on this one, but all of them were the same power struggle. All ended the same way: with hearts (and sometimes spirits) broken. Granted, not every relationship is “meant to be”, but when a power struggle exists between two people, things rarely end well for both parties.

Of course, this is true for all relationships, not just romantic ones. I am usually on the ‘dependency’ side when it comes to friendships. For any relationship to last, both people need to be willing to give sometimes; to make sacrifices; there must be compromise between all involved. If these things do not exist, the relationship is not a healthy one.

When I say ‘healthy’, that doesn’t mean that things are rainbows and butterflies every day – if it is, one (or both) of you is living in a world of pure delusion. Family, friends, and lovers – all argue sometimes. Everyone has disagreements, sometimes you may even go extended periods of time before talking to each other again, but that’s all part of having relationships. We learn and grow through adversity and being pushed to our limits, not by sitting back and letting life pass us by.

I just realized that I don’t write much about my spiritual experiences and practices. With the title of my blog, most people would presume it had something to do with Witchcraft or Paganism. While that is my intention, I do not feel that is possible at the moment. I am not in a great place personally, and I feel the need for some growth and reflection before I am able to move forward spiritually. Please bear with my through this process, you may learn something about yourself as well.

Blessed be.