Day Sixteen

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.

Day Fifteen

“True happiness comes from within and has little bearing on the affectation of indifference to external sources.”

T’was another long, uneventful day. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to get a few things accomplished (like going to the gym and doing some cleaning around the house), but nothing really extraordinary happened today.

Today’s lesson almost sounds like it’s telling us that happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with the world around us. While I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, I cannot agree with the second. All of us are affected daily by the world around us and the actions of those who reside there.

As much as I would love to tell you that the only opinion that really matters to me is my own; that would be a lie. The opinions of others matter a great deal to me, which is why I dress the way I do, listen to the music I listen to, and make many of my daily decisions. What other people say and do affect us all; and one of the ways it can affect us is by altering our happiness. When a person insults me, it has a negative effect on my attitude. I could be on cloud nine, but I hear one bad comment and I’m suddenly so angry I could scream.

While the basis of happiness comes from within, outside influences can (and will) change one’s outlook. Don’t fret, however; we all choose what we do with the energy other people send our way. While I may not handle the negativity well, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. The world is what you make of it, and I guess that’s what really matters with today’s lesson.

I would continue my thoughts, but I’m suddenly overcome by a wave of sleepiness.

Goodnight, everyone. Blessed be.

Day Twelve

“By extending our love to the nurturing of someone else other than ourselves without any condition of strings, our capacity to love as a human being expands further and elevates us to a higher level of infinite consciousness.”

It has been an utterly exhausting day. It is currently 11:30pm; I’ve been awake since 8:15am, and have been running errands, cooking, cleaning, attempting to socialize, being forced to endure the preaching at my parents’ church, and so many other things that I haven’t had a chance to breath today. I’m all ready for bed, but I wanted to make sure I finished today’s reflection before I pass out.

At this point in my life, strings are just part of the package. If I am going to love and nurture someone, I at least expect a little gratitude. At least. I prefer to be repaid in loving kindness. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people take advantage of those who love unconditionally and without expectation (I know, as I’m usually the one doing the loving), and those people are just out to use those who will love them and care for them.

Even though I’m a bit jaded at this point, it is still possible for me to be a little less selfish. Take tonight, for example. I had absolutely no desire to go to church with my family and be preached at and forced to sing songs about a savior I do not believe in. However, there is more to life than just me, and it meant a lot to my parents that I went with them (and the rest of the family). I didn’t expect anything as payment, I went to make my parents smile.

Sometimes that’s all we really need in life, just a reason to smile. So today, I hope everyone can find a reason to smile; but even if you can’t, it would be nice if you could be someone’s reason to smile.

Day Eleven

“It is not because relationships are trying that we do not dare to love; it is because we do not dare to love with an open heart and pure intent that relationships are trying.”

There is a very unfair catch to this particular lesson. If I love with an open heart and have pure intent, the relationship may still be trying. Do you know why? Because the person I’m in love with isn’t necessarily doing the same. If one person is giving all they have to a relationship and they are being open and honest, but the other person isn’t; the relationship will likely fail.

I was speaking to my sister today about this. She had this to say, “Unconditional love is something I give to my family and friends. And pets. My love is not freely given.”

At first, this seemed harsh, but then I realized that there are reasons for that. The first of which is that she’s never been in love. The second is that she has watched me through the years; she has seen me love unconditionally many times and each time she has seen me hurt by the one who claimed to love me in return.

I, on the other hand, believe unconditional love is possible. But no one is perfect. We all screw up sometimes, so we must be able to forgive those we love for doing stupid things that hurt us, and they must be able to forgive us as well. Relationships (of all kinds) take work. Romantic relationships, families, friendships, and even our personal relationship with our deities; they all take work, and they can all be trying.

Our lives are like a garden; we must protect the plants (relationships) when they are new, nurture them as they grow; we must be able to see which plants are not going to make it, and which ones should not have been allowed in the garden in the first place. The weeds must be removed to allow the rest of the garden a chance to thrive. But there is more to it than that. There are some plants that mean the world to us, but that will not last long, such as seasonal flowers. These plants cannot remain in our garden forever (no matter how much we wish they could), and they will eventually die and need to be removed. If you do not remove these dead plants (relationships) to make room your garden will not flourish; you will miss the one plant so much that you neglect the others, and soon they will all die.

Cheers to those of you who tend your gardens well. I have neglected mine for too many years, but I am working on making it beautiful again.

Day Eight

“We could not begin to love another person unless we are capable of loving ourselves.”

I know today’s lesson all too well. Not only have I been in relationships where the other person does not love himself (and, therefore, cannot truly love me), I have also been in relationships in which I was the one who did not love myself.

A lot of people get this one wrong. With all of the ads today showing off how beautiful everyone should be; it is no wonder that loving myself is such a problem. Do I love myself? Sometimes I think I do, other times, not so much. Books, television, movies, magazines; there are countless things in the world telling me to look younger, or be thinner, or to have bigger boobs. But you know what? I don’t want to look younger; there is nothing wrong with the age I’m at now. I don’t want to look like a super model; they all look like they could use some real food in their diets. I’m happy with my figure, and I know that I am beautiful – not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. And on the inside is where the beautiful truly matters.

It took me a long time to get to this point. I realized as I was writing this that I do love myself. That doesn’t mean I think I am perfect, I know there is room for improvement, but I also know that I am fine just the way I am at this very moment.

When I was younger, I didn’t really love myself. I was vain and shallow and selfish. I suppose I still am all of those things, just in smaller quantities. Many experiences in the past 13 years have taught me that there is more to life than looks and money. It is greater to love than anything else. With this thought in mind, I would like to point out a flip side to today’s lesson: No one can truly love you who does not love himself.

That’s right; if you’re in a relationship with someone who does not love him (or her) self, that person cannot truly love you. And I do not mean someone who is so taken by his reflection that all he cares about is looks (and that’s all he will care about in the end), I’m talking about someone who has a good heart and can accept his personal flaws; that person will not see you for your looks. That person will see all there is to see about you – both the good and the bad – and love you for all of it. Someone who does not love himself will see his flaws in you and secretly (or openly) resent you for them.

Got off on a bit of a rant there, but at least I know I have thoroughly soaked in today’s lesson. I am able to truly love others because I can truly love myself. Anyone who says they can love, but whom does not love himself, is not really capable of that love you so desire.