Day Twenty-Four

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Sixteen

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.

Day Fifteen

“True happiness comes from within and has little bearing on the affectation of indifference to external sources.”

T’was another long, uneventful day. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to get a few things accomplished (like going to the gym and doing some cleaning around the house), but nothing really extraordinary happened today.

Today’s lesson almost sounds like it’s telling us that happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with the world around us. While I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, I cannot agree with the second. All of us are affected daily by the world around us and the actions of those who reside there.

As much as I would love to tell you that the only opinion that really matters to me is my own; that would be a lie. The opinions of others matter a great deal to me, which is why I dress the way I do, listen to the music I listen to, and make many of my daily decisions. What other people say and do affect us all; and one of the ways it can affect us is by altering our happiness. When a person insults me, it has a negative effect on my attitude. I could be on cloud nine, but I hear one bad comment and I’m suddenly so angry I could scream.

While the basis of happiness comes from within, outside influences can (and will) change one’s outlook. Don’t fret, however; we all choose what we do with the energy other people send our way. While I may not handle the negativity well, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. The world is what you make of it, and I guess that’s what really matters with today’s lesson.

I would continue my thoughts, but I’m suddenly overcome by a wave of sleepiness.

Goodnight, everyone. Blessed be.

Day Fourteen

“All healthy relationships reflect the true nature of the universe - mutually supportive, yet entirely co-independent of any energy transgression.”

One of these days I’ll actually post this during the daytime. Until then, I will continue to procrastinate with my postings until it’s almost time for bed.

Today’s reflection is one that I prefer to practice. Unfortunately, none of my relationships have been healthy for long. There is a noticeable difference, however. It is such an amazing thing to be in a mutually supportive relationship – to get back what you give out is rare for many of the people I know. The trick is finding someone who is willing to put as much effort and love into the relationship as you do. Doesn’t sound too hard, does it? Should be easy, but it isn’t. Of course, I also believe there is a reason for the unhealthy relationships. Much like days where everything seems to go wrong, bad relationships serve an important purpose in our lives.

If everything in my life was good all the time, I would take the good for granted. I have bad days; days when I feel worthless and pathetic, but those days help me appreciate how wonderful the good days really are. Relationships are the same. If there aren’t bad relationships in my life, how would I really know how good I have it when I am finally in a healthy relationship? When I was younger, I was presented an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship – a wonderful man presented his heart to me on a silver platter. In my stupid vanity, I believed I could do better; my life would be drastically different today if I had not let him pass out of my life.

Enough of regrets. It’s too late to change the past, and I would not be who I am today – I would not have made a difference in so many lives – if I had chosen different. I know now what unhealthy relationships can be like, and I look forward to the day when I am in a healthy relationship for the long haul. Even in a healthy relationship, there are bad days, but the number of wonderful days will be that much more special.

Blessed Be.

Day Thirteen

“In all relationships, avoid the embroilment of power struggle and hidden agenda which involves, either manipulating our partner into submission, or compromising yourself for the sake of sustaining a state of dependency.”

Merry Christmas (for those who celebrate)! For those who don’t, I still hope you had a wonderful day. Today was a long day for me, but not in a bad way.

As with yesterday, I haven’t had a lot of time to contemplate the lesson today. Though, I don’t know that ‘lesson’ is the right word. In a way it is a lesson I have already learned, but one I never really had words for. Today it’s more of a drop of wisdom.

Today’s drop of wisdom describes at least my last five relationships. I’ve been on both sides of the dial on this one, but all of them were the same power struggle. All ended the same way: with hearts (and sometimes spirits) broken. Granted, not every relationship is “meant to be”, but when a power struggle exists between two people, things rarely end well for both parties.

Of course, this is true for all relationships, not just romantic ones. I am usually on the ‘dependency’ side when it comes to friendships. For any relationship to last, both people need to be willing to give sometimes; to make sacrifices; there must be compromise between all involved. If these things do not exist, the relationship is not a healthy one.

When I say ‘healthy’, that doesn’t mean that things are rainbows and butterflies every day – if it is, one (or both) of you is living in a world of pure delusion. Family, friends, and lovers – all argue sometimes. Everyone has disagreements, sometimes you may even go extended periods of time before talking to each other again, but that’s all part of having relationships. We learn and grow through adversity and being pushed to our limits, not by sitting back and letting life pass us by.

I just realized that I don’t write much about my spiritual experiences and practices. With the title of my blog, most people would presume it had something to do with Witchcraft or Paganism. While that is my intention, I do not feel that is possible at the moment. I am not in a great place personally, and I feel the need for some growth and reflection before I am able to move forward spiritually. Please bear with my through this process, you may learn something about yourself as well.

Blessed be.