Day Twenty-nine

“Self-reflection is more than just the means and the end of self-examination and self-rectification; it is the path which leads to the consecration of self-realization.”

With my schedule a little more limited this week, I have decided to cut back to every-other day until I can work out the proper balance of time each day for all I have to accomplish. Hopefully I will be back to daily meditations once I can get my schedule under control.

I’ve been working on this project for around a month now, and the daily reflection has helped me to better understand my true nature. It’s funny, I was thinking about it before I even opened my laptop to find out today’s reflection; I have to say that at this point, I’m not terribly impressed. As much as I would like to say that I am doing so much for others since I began, I have truly just become more selfish than ever before.

Don’t get me wrong, I am doing more each day that benefits others, but I am not doing it solely for the benefit of those others. I am really doing it for me; I do nice things so that people will acknowledge me and tell me how wonderful I am. And when I don’t get my way…well, let’s just say I’m not a very nice person when I don’t get my way. That’s not to say that I throw a fit or beat the crap out of people; I’m more subtle than that.

This project was supposed to help me find balance, and I suppose it’s working grandly, as I am far more accepting of who I am compared to how accepting I was a month ago when this all began.

I can’t say whether or not I will truly become a better person when this is all said and done, but I do know that I will know exactly who I am and what I am capable of.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Four

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Two

“Peace is the holy communion of Man and Universe.”

I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about global peace here. Inner peace can be such a wonderful thing. It’s not particularly easy to find, but it can be found.

I have problems meditating, so I didn’t really believe it was possible for me to find inner peace. I do remember being at peace several times during my life, however. One time while I was in the Navy, my ship was at sea; it was late, close to midnight, and I went topside for some fresh air. All I could hear were the waves sloshing against the ship; I could feel the gentle breeze through my hair and on my face; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I have never seen so many stars in the sky. It was just me at the rail, it was beautiful. The most amazing thing, though, was that I stood on the deck of a warship, feeling more at peace than I ever had before (or since).

I guess peace can sneak up on you when you least expect it. It recently snuck up on me in a very unexpected place – at the gym. I decided to start training for a marathon last week; while I was jogging on the treadmill and listening to my music, I just kinda lost myself in it. And while I was jogging, my mind cleared. All the crap that had been accumulating was pushed aside; all of my worries and my fears and my cares were gone. In their place was a sense of serenity and peace. It was amazing.

When that peace washes over me, I feel like everything will be alright. I feel as if I’m more than a tiny speck in the universe…it makes me feel like I belong here and that I’m part of it all. I hope you can all find something that brings you peace and tranquility.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty One

“Without first taking note from the way how we respond to the world around us through repeated listening, repeated contemplation and repeated meditation, there can be no advancement in our spiritual growth, and without spiritual evolution, there can never be true happiness or peace of mind.”

Sometimes change seems easy and effortless. Other times, it can be the most difficult thing in the world. One of the ways I have changed lately is to really take in what people tell me, to listen more than I talk, and to show more respect to those around me. That was actually one of the easier things I’ve done.

This project is one of the more difficult tasks; things that create real change in your life always will be. I spend a little more time each day in meditation, reflecting not only on the day’s lesson, but also on the events of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time; such as how many things have gone awry and how often everything seems to just fall apart at the most inconvenient times. However, I don’t regret anything that’s gone wrong in my life. Every step has led me to this moment, and with the changes that are happening, I can’t be upset about any of the bad things that’ve happened.

It’s slow progress, but I can feel the peace settling over me with each passing day. My mind is opening and so is my heart, and with those two things comes a happiness I haven’t known in a very long time.

Blessed Be.

Days Nineteen & Twenty

“Keeping an open mind and open heart, replacing all judgment with compassion, and peace will surely follow.”

“Don’t under-estimate the power of cause and effect. We are solely responsible for the direction in which we wish to lead our lives.”

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s been a very eventful 48 hours. Some of it was good, some not so good, but very eventful. Since I was so busy with NYE festivities, I neglected my blog last night, so I’m including today’s lesson as well as yesterday’s lesson. Let me be perfectly clear on this point: I did not reflect on the lesson at all yesterday. I don’t feel bad about it, however, as I do not feel it has negatively impacted my overall progress.

Everyone can be judgmental sometimes. It’s just a fact of life. Because of some of my personal quirks and beliefs, I really do try to keep an open. Why? Because if I am open-minded and respect the ideas, beliefs, and lifestyle choices of others, there is a greater chance that they will extend the same courtesies to me.

As far as the open heart goes….I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit on the jaded side. It is difficult for me to open up to people because I am afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, this thinking has led me to build a wall around my heart that will not allow anyone in. I’m working on slowly taking down my wall, since I know that it will cause more pain for me to remain distant than to allow people into my life. Not as easy a task as some may think, but I am working on it. I know some of you reading this may have done the same as me, and you feel safe with your hear barricaded from the world, but there is a flaw in the design. Your heart may be “safe” all blocked in, but it is also a lonely prison. The only person with the key is you, and it may be difficult and you may get hurt, but the alternative is to exist in an empty life; because that’s what a life without love – whether the love of friends and family, or that of a lover – cannot truly be lived.

Cause and effect is an interesting thing to watch. I have watched myself and others both reap the benefits of choices made, and suffer the consequences. Every action we make, every decision, everything we do; it all has an effect on the world around us. Don’t believe me? Try watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” sometime. I know that I sometimes think of what my life would be like if only one decision had been different. One pivotal moment, that one time something horrifyingly awful happens; what would life be like if I had made a decision that prevented that event instead of allowing it? My life would be drastically different right now, but I would have missed out on the greatest gift in my life – my daughter – as well as some of the best friends I’ve ever known.

Even the most insignificant actions have an effect. But it really is more than just my life that is effected by my decisions, my family and friends, my coworkers and customers, even complete strangers are effected daily by things I do. I’ve made mistakes in my life – we all have – but my mistakes have led me to this exact moment, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Know what they real key to peace and happiness? Don’t dwell on the past. Take responsibility for your actions, let go of your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on with your life.

Blessed Be.