Day Twenty-Two

“Peace is the holy communion of Man and Universe.”

I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about global peace here. Inner peace can be such a wonderful thing. It’s not particularly easy to find, but it can be found.

I have problems meditating, so I didn’t really believe it was possible for me to find inner peace. I do remember being at peace several times during my life, however. One time while I was in the Navy, my ship was at sea; it was late, close to midnight, and I went topside for some fresh air. All I could hear were the waves sloshing against the ship; I could feel the gentle breeze through my hair and on my face; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I have never seen so many stars in the sky. It was just me at the rail, it was beautiful. The most amazing thing, though, was that I stood on the deck of a warship, feeling more at peace than I ever had before (or since).

I guess peace can sneak up on you when you least expect it. It recently snuck up on me in a very unexpected place – at the gym. I decided to start training for a marathon last week; while I was jogging on the treadmill and listening to my music, I just kinda lost myself in it. And while I was jogging, my mind cleared. All the crap that had been accumulating was pushed aside; all of my worries and my fears and my cares were gone. In their place was a sense of serenity and peace. It was amazing.

When that peace washes over me, I feel like everything will be alright. I feel as if I’m more than a tiny speck in the universe…it makes me feel like I belong here and that I’m part of it all. I hope you can all find something that brings you peace and tranquility.

Blessed Be

Day Seventeen

“Those who desire happiness by means of wayward abandonment will never find happiness.”

As much as I wish it were otherwise, my depression has wrapped its tentacles around my neck and is currently strangling all of the happiness, hope, and love out of me. I am fighting it as best I can, but since I refuse to be put on anti-depressants (the possible side-effects are worse than the depression) it is not a particularly easy task.  So if today’s blog seems a little more down than usual, that is why.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy to figure out exactly what today’s lesson means. My mind is not in the mood to decipher. Instead, I will again relate what I have learned through personal experience. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for things to get better. In spite of my depression, I consider myself a bit of an optimist. But I am always waiting for things to get better. As if I will just wake up one morning and all my trouble will be diminished; no more debt, no more depression, no more car trouble or relationship trouble or money problems. I will wake up one morning – without actually putting effort into my life – and I will have tons of friends and the perfect house and everything that goes along with it.

Obviously, that’s a big load of crap. I sit on my butt and hope things will ‘get better’, but I never do anything to actually make things better for myself (or anyone else). So many people are like that these days. We would all rather just wait for things to happen instead of taking chances to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. No one will ever be happy if we all just sit back and wait for ‘it’ to ‘happen’…because it never will.

People in my generation (and those younger than mine) are becoming lazy; perhaps not all of us, but a damn decent portion. Guess what people? If you want to be happy, you need to get off your ass and go make it happen. Take chances, take initiative, do more with your life than play video games and gossip about people. There’s a lot more to life than those things.

I don’t know about happiness, but I did manage to find a moment of peace recently. I went to one of the local parks and went for a walk. I watched the squirrels as they raced around the trees and listened to the ducks and the geese call to each other. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to remember what’s really important in life; and what’s important is not my computer; or catching up with the latest episode of some TV show, or gossiping about celebrities.

Figure out what peace and happiness are, my friends. They may not be what you were expecting, but nothing ever is.

Blessed Be.

My Own Way

Since I have never been part of a coven, and I've never had a teacher, my only real guide is myself and whatever books I can get my hands on. This has its good and bad points. Since I have no teacher, I can just figure out whatever feels right and works for me, I don't have to follow the rituals and precise ways of someone else. The downside to it is that I have no one to teach me; there is no one to help me through my rituals and spells and no one to correct me if I'm doing something wrong.

This solitary methodology has led me to an interesting world of spiritual exploration. While I am certain there is a God and Goddess that help with whatever I may need, I can also feel different energies around me that are associated with the elements.

With this knowledge in hand, I figured out that most of the spells and energy is working with the elements, so I have adjusted the rituals to accommodate this. At first, I would light a white candle for each direction (North, East, South, West), but now that I know each is associated with a different element, I respect the differences and use a different medium for each direction (North - Earth - soil, East - Air - incense, South - Fire - candle, West - Water - holy water). I call each of the elements in turn (it is different each time, depending on how I am feeling and what I wish to accomplish) and then perform my spell or ritual.

Since making this change, I have noticed an increased success rate; not of my spells working, but working the way I wanted them to work. It is a wonderful feeling when something turns out the way it is intended.

Solo

Would have posted this sooner, but by cold has been kicking my rear end these past few days.

Wednesday evening, I performed my very first solo ritual. One of the ingredients I need for the cleansing I will be doing tomorrow is Holy Water, which is in short supply, since there are no stores in the area. Anyway, I adapted the Holy Water ritual from Silver RavenWolf's book Solitary Witch. Since it was my first solitary ritual, as well as my first ritual in nearly 5 years, I decided to have the instructions written down next to me for each step (so I wouldn't forget anything).

The feeling was absolutely amazing. I could feel the power of the Goddess and God flowing through me as I preformed the blessing. It was enough to make me cry tears of joy, and when I was finished, I was full of a confidence and energy I haven't felt in years. Truly, if you have never performed a ritual, whether alone or with others, I highly recommend it.

Don't Roll Your Eyes...

Tonight I prayed for the first time in a very long time. At this point, you may be asking why a self-proclaimed Pagan would spend any time praying. To this, I have but one question... why wouldn't I pray? Many of the Pagans I have met considered prayer a Christian thing and just wrote it off as useless to anyone who wasn't part of that religion. Of course, those were also the people who told me I was "doing it wrong" when I said I didn't belong to a coven, hadn't participated in any group ceremonies or rituals, and prefer a solitary practice of my religion/spirituality.

Back on topic, I have never known a more direct way to getting in touch with the higher powers than through prayer. There is no need for me to break out the altar and the white robe so that I can perform a ritual every time I wish to communicate. I don't have to chant, beat out a rhythm on the drums, or rhyme everything I say. I close my eyes, focus my energy, and reach out to the world around me. I usually don't pray aloud, since the sound of my own voice tends to break my concentration. Instead, I look within myself for what it is I am seeking and ask for it in my mind and in my heart. There is no set amount of time for me to do this; once I am certain that I have been "heard" by the higher powers, I give thanks and break the connection.

With what I've just revealed, you may now be asking a different question: How do you know when you've been heard? On this, I can only speak through my own experience. I feel it. It is a seed of warmth and light planted in my heart. Once the warmth and light surrounds me and envelops me in a sense of peace, I know I have been heard. This is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced. All of my fears and doubts are washed away, if only for a few moments.

Now I present you with a of couple questions of my own: How do you pray? How do you know if you have been heard?