Day Ten

“Openness attracts openness. Sincerity and truthfulness are the foundations of authentic relationship; whereas fear, the sign of obscuration, is its biggest foe.”

As much as I would love to say that I’m open with everyone, I’m really not; which is something I found out today even before I read the day’s lesson. I overheard my parents having a conversation about me this morning. I won’t go into detail, but they’re getting irritated with me, and will talk to each other about it, but not to me. In all fairness, I had plenty of opportunities today to bring up the subject, but I didn’t. It was just easier to let things go unsaid.

Needless to say, I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents at this point in my life. It’s a work in progress. There is a reason I’m not open with my parents. I have done a lot over my lifetime which my parents were not pleased with (sometimes even to the point of being a major disappointment), and since I’m currently stuck living with them, I really don’t want to do anything to offend them or disappoint them more than I have. Instead, I go through life quiet as a mouse, hoping to sneak by without a squeak so as not to upset the delicate balance of life in the house.

Obviously, this fear I have of upsetting my parents is killing the relationship, but I’m too afraid to tell them what’s really been going on…at least, not yet. I don’t want to ruin the holidays (and what little freedom I have). I will wait until next year to talk to them about the situation that’s been upsetting them.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now that I’ve given an example of a bad relationship based on fear, let’s balance it out with an open relationship. My best friend (who happens to be male) and I can talk about anything. I’m not just saying that, we really can, and do, talk about everything. I talk to him about my cycle and the terrible cramps which accompany it; he tells me about his sexual escapades. There are no borders and no rules (except honesty and an open mind). Though we are different religions, we even help each other develop spiritually. It is wonderful to have this type of connection with someone that is based on truth, love, and trust, and to know that there is no judgment between us.

My soul is happy with what I’ve learned today. Everyone has had at least one relationship which is based on fear instead of love and truth. At this point, I am going to try to fix my broken relationship with my parents. It’s going to take a fair amount of work, but I’m more than willing to pit in the time and effort. My parents are worth it. I will go at it one relationship at a time, and I won’t stop until I’ve fixed them all.

Blessed Yule, and goodnight.

Day Seven

“One’s compassion for others is feeble until one has mastered compassion through the discipline of harmonizing one’s body, speech and mind.”

It has become apparent to me that my project is having an effect on other people, as well as myself. How do I know? If the events of today had happened two weeks ago, they would have been handled in a very different manner. I had someone from my past contact me today because he wants to talk. Two weeks ago I would have told him to piss off and leave me alone, but as I am trying to be more compassionate when it comes to the suffering of others, I will be contacting him tomorrow.

So, onto today’s lesson; well, I’m working on it. I have had a sharp tongue for well over a decade, and I am a little jaded from several events which have transpired over the course of my adult life. With that in mind, I’m sure my loyal readers can understand that it is difficult to keep the first words out of my mouth from being snarky and sarcastic, but I am working on it.

To answer a concern addressed a couple days ago; I am not trying to make myself perfect. I have no desire to be the type of person who make everyone else look bad by being so absolutely wonderful all the time. What I am trying to do is become the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be someone who takes time out of my day to help others (whether by helping to change a flat tire or buying someone food who doesn’t have any, or helping a friend with a project that can change her life for the better). I want to be that person, and it is going to take a lot of work for me to get there, but I am willing to put in the necessary hours.

I would write more about my journey tonight, but I have a friend who is about to hit a rough patch and I will be sending him all of the loving energy I can spare to help him get through as smoothly as possible. Goodnight, all.

My Own Way

Since I have never been part of a coven, and I've never had a teacher, my only real guide is myself and whatever books I can get my hands on. This has its good and bad points. Since I have no teacher, I can just figure out whatever feels right and works for me, I don't have to follow the rituals and precise ways of someone else. The downside to it is that I have no one to teach me; there is no one to help me through my rituals and spells and no one to correct me if I'm doing something wrong.

This solitary methodology has led me to an interesting world of spiritual exploration. While I am certain there is a God and Goddess that help with whatever I may need, I can also feel different energies around me that are associated with the elements.

With this knowledge in hand, I figured out that most of the spells and energy is working with the elements, so I have adjusted the rituals to accommodate this. At first, I would light a white candle for each direction (North, East, South, West), but now that I know each is associated with a different element, I respect the differences and use a different medium for each direction (North - Earth - soil, East - Air - incense, South - Fire - candle, West - Water - holy water). I call each of the elements in turn (it is different each time, depending on how I am feeling and what I wish to accomplish) and then perform my spell or ritual.

Since making this change, I have noticed an increased success rate; not of my spells working, but working the way I wanted them to work. It is a wonderful feeling when something turns out the way it is intended.

Intuition

Ever have a "gut feeling," a "hunch," or know something because of "instinct?" All of this leads to the same thing: intuition. Many of the people I know have not learned to trust their intuition; most probably don't even know what it really is when it interrupts their day.

I was once like that; I used to get a "feeling" about people or places. There are a few note-worthy occasions. When I was 19, I was in training on a military base built on an old airfield. "Wrong" is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt around one of the air strips. I hated going there alone and would only do so when I had no other choice. After my transfer and the increased popularity of the internet, I found out there had been a fire that killed a flight crew on that strip.

I've had similar experiences with locations around the world, but it is not limited to places. There have been more times than I can count that I get the same feeling about a person - that feeling of something being wrong. No matter how many times I have tried to ignore it or prove it wrong, if I go against my intuition when it comes to people, it always comes back to bite me on the butt. More than once, I have found myself in a dangerous situation because I trusted someone even though my intuition was telling me not to.

Now that I am older and wiser, I know to trust my feelings, but I cannot regret the mistakes I made in the past. Why do I not regret? Several reasons, the first of which is that, those who do not make mistakes cannot learn from them. Second, I would not be as strong a person as I am today. Finally, through one of my mistakes, I was given a beautiful gift that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

How do I know if my intuition is warning me about something or someone? In the simplest terms, I get a feeling. For example, I will shake someone's hand when introduced and my stomach will suddenly be in knots and I feel sick. Several times, I just thought it was something that I had eaten earlier not agreeing with me; instead, it is my intuition warning me that this person is dangerous or not what he or she seems to be. I have since learned to trust these feelings, now that I know what they are.

I am reading a book right now that is helping me to further develop my intuition. While not necessarily related to Paganism and spirituality, I feel that developing your intuition and learning to trust it are important. I chose Paganism because it helps me to feel at peace; both with myself, and with the world around me. As far as I'm concerned, until you can recognize what your intuition is trying to tell you and to trust it, you cannot find peace and balance within yourself.

Of course, that's just me.

Blessed Be