Day Twelve

“By extending our love to the nurturing of someone else other than ourselves without any condition of strings, our capacity to love as a human being expands further and elevates us to a higher level of infinite consciousness.”

It has been an utterly exhausting day. It is currently 11:30pm; I’ve been awake since 8:15am, and have been running errands, cooking, cleaning, attempting to socialize, being forced to endure the preaching at my parents’ church, and so many other things that I haven’t had a chance to breath today. I’m all ready for bed, but I wanted to make sure I finished today’s reflection before I pass out.

At this point in my life, strings are just part of the package. If I am going to love and nurture someone, I at least expect a little gratitude. At least. I prefer to be repaid in loving kindness. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people take advantage of those who love unconditionally and without expectation (I know, as I’m usually the one doing the loving), and those people are just out to use those who will love them and care for them.

Even though I’m a bit jaded at this point, it is still possible for me to be a little less selfish. Take tonight, for example. I had absolutely no desire to go to church with my family and be preached at and forced to sing songs about a savior I do not believe in. However, there is more to life than just me, and it meant a lot to my parents that I went with them (and the rest of the family). I didn’t expect anything as payment, I went to make my parents smile.

Sometimes that’s all we really need in life, just a reason to smile. So today, I hope everyone can find a reason to smile; but even if you can’t, it would be nice if you could be someone’s reason to smile.

Day Ten

“Openness attracts openness. Sincerity and truthfulness are the foundations of authentic relationship; whereas fear, the sign of obscuration, is its biggest foe.”

As much as I would love to say that I’m open with everyone, I’m really not; which is something I found out today even before I read the day’s lesson. I overheard my parents having a conversation about me this morning. I won’t go into detail, but they’re getting irritated with me, and will talk to each other about it, but not to me. In all fairness, I had plenty of opportunities today to bring up the subject, but I didn’t. It was just easier to let things go unsaid.

Needless to say, I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents at this point in my life. It’s a work in progress. There is a reason I’m not open with my parents. I have done a lot over my lifetime which my parents were not pleased with (sometimes even to the point of being a major disappointment), and since I’m currently stuck living with them, I really don’t want to do anything to offend them or disappoint them more than I have. Instead, I go through life quiet as a mouse, hoping to sneak by without a squeak so as not to upset the delicate balance of life in the house.

Obviously, this fear I have of upsetting my parents is killing the relationship, but I’m too afraid to tell them what’s really been going on…at least, not yet. I don’t want to ruin the holidays (and what little freedom I have). I will wait until next year to talk to them about the situation that’s been upsetting them.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now that I’ve given an example of a bad relationship based on fear, let’s balance it out with an open relationship. My best friend (who happens to be male) and I can talk about anything. I’m not just saying that, we really can, and do, talk about everything. I talk to him about my cycle and the terrible cramps which accompany it; he tells me about his sexual escapades. There are no borders and no rules (except honesty and an open mind). Though we are different religions, we even help each other develop spiritually. It is wonderful to have this type of connection with someone that is based on truth, love, and trust, and to know that there is no judgment between us.

My soul is happy with what I’ve learned today. Everyone has had at least one relationship which is based on fear instead of love and truth. At this point, I am going to try to fix my broken relationship with my parents. It’s going to take a fair amount of work, but I’m more than willing to pit in the time and effort. My parents are worth it. I will go at it one relationship at a time, and I won’t stop until I’ve fixed them all.

Blessed Yule, and goodnight.

Day Six

“To extend loving kindness and compassion without condition is the definitive action of benevolence.”

                Today was a crash day. That’s what I call it when all of the negative emotions I have been suppressing come crashing through my barriers and overwhelm me all at once. I woke up far earlier than I should have, completely convinced that I was the most hated human on the planet. Of course, I know this isn’t true and after a few hours of tears and reflection I was able to convince myself of this.

                I was not alone in my endeavor. I had a few dear friends share some encouraging thoughts and words, and even though I was still crying, it was good to know that I was am loved and that I have good friends who are there for me when I need them. To my, these friends embody today’s lesson. One friend in particular – yes, I know you’re reading this and you know exactly who you are – has shown such kindness and compassion that nothing I do will ever be enough to thank her. Yet she expects nothing in return (aside from my friendship, which I willingly give).

                Unconditional love is a funny thing. I have loved unconditionally before; recently, in fact. Do you know what I got from giving this unconditional love? Five years of lies, deceit, and being used. I believe that extending love, kindness, and compassion is a wonderful thing, and people who are able to do so have an amazing gift. However, it has been pointed out to me that while it is important to show others love and compassion, it is equally important to show yourself some as well.

                This confused me a bit at first, but then as I thought on it, it really set in. If I were to use all of my energy in one single day being kind to others and being completely selfless, I’m sure people would think I was a great person. But if I did that, I would have no energy left for myself and could end up very sick (I have had it happen on several occasions). From personal experience, the average cold will last 2-3 days. So if I give my all to others for one day, I will have to be selfish for 2-3 in order to recover, but if I save a little love and kindness for myself (translation – if I take care of others AND take care of myself), I will be giving a little less each day, but I will be able to share more of the love that I have to give because I will not be spending so much of my time trying to recover.

                What I gleaned from today’s lesson is this: showing compassion and kindness to others, without expecting payment for your deeds, is one of the most noble things you can do for others and yourself.

Day Three

“The only reality that matters in the timelessness of being is the measure of pure love and compassion we confer upon the caring for other entities, without the attachment of the self-centered agenda.” 

                Today my patience was tried and tested as much as humanly possible. As a Thursday, it was Girl Scout night for my daughter’s troop, and I am a leader, which can be very stressful. As the girls were working on tonight’s craft, one of them sat down and told me that I seemed nicer than usual. I told her all about my 108 Days project. “That sounds like a good idea,” she told me. “I think everyone should try to be a better person, then the world would be happier.” It really is amazing how much we can learn from children.

                Today’s lesson struck a nerve with me. In recent years (and not-so-recent years, to be quite honest), I have not been doing much of anything unless for selfish reasons. I do very little community service, and I donate even less money to causes than I do time. After reflecting on today’s lesson, it is no wonder my life has seemed a little less than full. Every day I look around me and see suffering, as I’m sure we all do. Today, however, I realized that the time has come for me to help end that suffering.

                As much as I would like to, I know I cannot save the world by myself, but I can make a difference. Let’s face it, no one likes to see or hear about the suffering of others. No one wants to hear about hate and betrayal and all of the negative things that happen in our world every day. What we really want is to hear about people making a difference.

                If that is the kind of news I want to see on TV or read about in the papers, then I am going to have to stop being lazy about life. There is so much more to life than just living for me. By showing love and compassion to others, in whatever form it may take, life takes on true meaning. I have heard other people say things like this before, but being told that it’s what I should do and knowing it in my heart are two different things. Today I know in my heart that my life is supposed to be more than just for me, and that my selfish nature has been dragging me down for years. The time has come for that to change, and the change feels good, and the essence of my very being feels lighter for it.

My Own Way

Since I have never been part of a coven, and I've never had a teacher, my only real guide is myself and whatever books I can get my hands on. This has its good and bad points. Since I have no teacher, I can just figure out whatever feels right and works for me, I don't have to follow the rituals and precise ways of someone else. The downside to it is that I have no one to teach me; there is no one to help me through my rituals and spells and no one to correct me if I'm doing something wrong.

This solitary methodology has led me to an interesting world of spiritual exploration. While I am certain there is a God and Goddess that help with whatever I may need, I can also feel different energies around me that are associated with the elements.

With this knowledge in hand, I figured out that most of the spells and energy is working with the elements, so I have adjusted the rituals to accommodate this. At first, I would light a white candle for each direction (North, East, South, West), but now that I know each is associated with a different element, I respect the differences and use a different medium for each direction (North - Earth - soil, East - Air - incense, South - Fire - candle, West - Water - holy water). I call each of the elements in turn (it is different each time, depending on how I am feeling and what I wish to accomplish) and then perform my spell or ritual.

Since making this change, I have noticed an increased success rate; not of my spells working, but working the way I wanted them to work. It is a wonderful feeling when something turns out the way it is intended.

Solo

Would have posted this sooner, but by cold has been kicking my rear end these past few days.

Wednesday evening, I performed my very first solo ritual. One of the ingredients I need for the cleansing I will be doing tomorrow is Holy Water, which is in short supply, since there are no stores in the area. Anyway, I adapted the Holy Water ritual from Silver RavenWolf's book Solitary Witch. Since it was my first solitary ritual, as well as my first ritual in nearly 5 years, I decided to have the instructions written down next to me for each step (so I wouldn't forget anything).

The feeling was absolutely amazing. I could feel the power of the Goddess and God flowing through me as I preformed the blessing. It was enough to make me cry tears of joy, and when I was finished, I was full of a confidence and energy I haven't felt in years. Truly, if you have never performed a ritual, whether alone or with others, I highly recommend it.

Deja Vu

For several months before my return to Paganism, I would have these strange episodes of deja vu. They were the most extreme in December. It wasn't just that I had experienced something similar, but I already knew exactly what was going to happen next. I would become dizzy and nauseated, and then I would just know. The most vivid was such a simple event: I was driving home from work and chatting on the phone with my fiance (using a headset, of course). I felt the dizziness and nausea, and suddenly I knew exactly how the conversation would pan out; every joke, every detail, every sigh. I even knew that I would be seeing a wild rabbit bolt across the road ahead of me.

Now, I have done as much reading as I can on the subject, but since deja vu cannot be predicted, it is very difficult to for scientists to study in order to determine a cause. Now, being the open-minded person I am, I do not think that all things can be explained by science. This is one of those things. Instead, I like to think that these incidents were more a message from a guardian or guide to be on my toes. I have a very good reason for this line of thinking. Though I can't recall every incident of deja vu, the one mentioned above sticks out in my mind for another reason: it saved my life. I am the type of person who, if I think I can make it through a yellow light, I will speed up a bit. In my deja vu haze, I myself stopping like a good girl and another car blast through the intersection just as the light turned red for me to stop. Without that knowing that I needed to stop, I would have rolled through and been hit by the other car.

While I'm not certain what unseen entities surround us all daily, I am thankful that they are here and that st least some of them are benevolent and extremely helpful.

Blessed Be