Day Twenty-Six

“True happiness comes with the realization of one’s true nature and identity.”

I needed a few days off to reflect on where I truly am in my life right now. Things have been up and down (mostly down) this year, and I needed to take a step back and get some perspective. I realized that part of the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m holding onto old ideas and dreams that aren’t my own. Some are from my family, others from past failures in an attempt to find love, and others still are from friends. My eyes are more open now than ever before, and with that comes the ability to see that some things either need to be put on the back-burner for a while, or thrown out altogether.

Some projects that were precious to me are getting tossed out. It’s time to start anew. The reason I’m starting over now is because I’m finding out what I enjoy. I am accepting things that – in the past – I didn’t like about myself. But the reason I didn’t like these things is because someone else said it was wrong for me to be a certain way, or like certain things, or think certain thoughts. Well guess what? It’s my life, and no one can dictate what I can and cannot do except me. I’m not talking about breaking laws here; I’m just talking about being myself and being ok with who I am.

Part of this process is breaking down the barriers that I’ve worked so hard to put up around myself. Unfortunately, the raw emotions those barriers used to keep out is flooding into my soul at a rather alarming rate. The emotions are completely overwhelming part of the time, and I find myself only able to cry. As I learn the driving force behind each emotion, I am able to gain a bit of control over it. Slowly, I am opening myself up as well as discovering who I am. And so far I have discovered that I may not be the person everyone wants me to be, but I am the best me I can be (and getting better by the day)…which is something I am happy with.

Finding your true self is not something that just happens. It takes time and effort; but it is worth everything you put into it and more.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Three

“Following the goodness of your inner self will ultimately reward you with more lasting joys and satisfaction than any amount of compensation from external sources through mundane means.”

We’ve all heard this one before: money doesn’t buy happiness. It sure can make life a little less stressful, though. No, I’m not about to start ranting about the economy or any of that crap. I’m not here for that. The economy has nothing to do with my personal spiritual journey.

So, back to what I was saying. Money can’t buy happiness. Know what can? Following your heart and doing your best. If you don’t do those things, yet you have money, you will have an empty existence that you are constantly trying to fill with material goods which mean nothing.

Not everyone can see this simple thing. My daughter can see it. She likes material possessions just fine, but she knows that there are more important things. For example, for the last three years, she has asked Santa to make sure everyone is happy. Not just her family and friends; she wants E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E to be happy. That’s what it’s all about (that’s right, it’s not about the Hokey Pokey anymore!).

It’s a slow process to change your mind set to one which is more optimistic and happier, but it is well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Days Nineteen & Twenty

“Keeping an open mind and open heart, replacing all judgment with compassion, and peace will surely follow.”

“Don’t under-estimate the power of cause and effect. We are solely responsible for the direction in which we wish to lead our lives.”

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s been a very eventful 48 hours. Some of it was good, some not so good, but very eventful. Since I was so busy with NYE festivities, I neglected my blog last night, so I’m including today’s lesson as well as yesterday’s lesson. Let me be perfectly clear on this point: I did not reflect on the lesson at all yesterday. I don’t feel bad about it, however, as I do not feel it has negatively impacted my overall progress.

Everyone can be judgmental sometimes. It’s just a fact of life. Because of some of my personal quirks and beliefs, I really do try to keep an open. Why? Because if I am open-minded and respect the ideas, beliefs, and lifestyle choices of others, there is a greater chance that they will extend the same courtesies to me.

As far as the open heart goes….I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit on the jaded side. It is difficult for me to open up to people because I am afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, this thinking has led me to build a wall around my heart that will not allow anyone in. I’m working on slowly taking down my wall, since I know that it will cause more pain for me to remain distant than to allow people into my life. Not as easy a task as some may think, but I am working on it. I know some of you reading this may have done the same as me, and you feel safe with your hear barricaded from the world, but there is a flaw in the design. Your heart may be “safe” all blocked in, but it is also a lonely prison. The only person with the key is you, and it may be difficult and you may get hurt, but the alternative is to exist in an empty life; because that’s what a life without love – whether the love of friends and family, or that of a lover – cannot truly be lived.

Cause and effect is an interesting thing to watch. I have watched myself and others both reap the benefits of choices made, and suffer the consequences. Every action we make, every decision, everything we do; it all has an effect on the world around us. Don’t believe me? Try watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” sometime. I know that I sometimes think of what my life would be like if only one decision had been different. One pivotal moment, that one time something horrifyingly awful happens; what would life be like if I had made a decision that prevented that event instead of allowing it? My life would be drastically different right now, but I would have missed out on the greatest gift in my life – my daughter – as well as some of the best friends I’ve ever known.

Even the most insignificant actions have an effect. But it really is more than just my life that is effected by my decisions, my family and friends, my coworkers and customers, even complete strangers are effected daily by things I do. I’ve made mistakes in my life – we all have – but my mistakes have led me to this exact moment, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Know what they real key to peace and happiness? Don’t dwell on the past. Take responsibility for your actions, let go of your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on with your life.

Blessed Be.

Day Seventeen

“Those who desire happiness by means of wayward abandonment will never find happiness.”

As much as I wish it were otherwise, my depression has wrapped its tentacles around my neck and is currently strangling all of the happiness, hope, and love out of me. I am fighting it as best I can, but since I refuse to be put on anti-depressants (the possible side-effects are worse than the depression) it is not a particularly easy task.  So if today’s blog seems a little more down than usual, that is why.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy to figure out exactly what today’s lesson means. My mind is not in the mood to decipher. Instead, I will again relate what I have learned through personal experience. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for things to get better. In spite of my depression, I consider myself a bit of an optimist. But I am always waiting for things to get better. As if I will just wake up one morning and all my trouble will be diminished; no more debt, no more depression, no more car trouble or relationship trouble or money problems. I will wake up one morning – without actually putting effort into my life – and I will have tons of friends and the perfect house and everything that goes along with it.

Obviously, that’s a big load of crap. I sit on my butt and hope things will ‘get better’, but I never do anything to actually make things better for myself (or anyone else). So many people are like that these days. We would all rather just wait for things to happen instead of taking chances to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. No one will ever be happy if we all just sit back and wait for ‘it’ to ‘happen’…because it never will.

People in my generation (and those younger than mine) are becoming lazy; perhaps not all of us, but a damn decent portion. Guess what people? If you want to be happy, you need to get off your ass and go make it happen. Take chances, take initiative, do more with your life than play video games and gossip about people. There’s a lot more to life than those things.

I don’t know about happiness, but I did manage to find a moment of peace recently. I went to one of the local parks and went for a walk. I watched the squirrels as they raced around the trees and listened to the ducks and the geese call to each other. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to remember what’s really important in life; and what’s important is not my computer; or catching up with the latest episode of some TV show, or gossiping about celebrities.

Figure out what peace and happiness are, my friends. They may not be what you were expecting, but nothing ever is.

Blessed Be.

Day Sixteen

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.