Day Twenty-Six

“True happiness comes with the realization of one’s true nature and identity.”

I needed a few days off to reflect on where I truly am in my life right now. Things have been up and down (mostly down) this year, and I needed to take a step back and get some perspective. I realized that part of the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m holding onto old ideas and dreams that aren’t my own. Some are from my family, others from past failures in an attempt to find love, and others still are from friends. My eyes are more open now than ever before, and with that comes the ability to see that some things either need to be put on the back-burner for a while, or thrown out altogether.

Some projects that were precious to me are getting tossed out. It’s time to start anew. The reason I’m starting over now is because I’m finding out what I enjoy. I am accepting things that – in the past – I didn’t like about myself. But the reason I didn’t like these things is because someone else said it was wrong for me to be a certain way, or like certain things, or think certain thoughts. Well guess what? It’s my life, and no one can dictate what I can and cannot do except me. I’m not talking about breaking laws here; I’m just talking about being myself and being ok with who I am.

Part of this process is breaking down the barriers that I’ve worked so hard to put up around myself. Unfortunately, the raw emotions those barriers used to keep out is flooding into my soul at a rather alarming rate. The emotions are completely overwhelming part of the time, and I find myself only able to cry. As I learn the driving force behind each emotion, I am able to gain a bit of control over it. Slowly, I am opening myself up as well as discovering who I am. And so far I have discovered that I may not be the person everyone wants me to be, but I am the best me I can be (and getting better by the day)…which is something I am happy with.

Finding your true self is not something that just happens. It takes time and effort; but it is worth everything you put into it and more.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Four

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Two

“Peace is the holy communion of Man and Universe.”

I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about global peace here. Inner peace can be such a wonderful thing. It’s not particularly easy to find, but it can be found.

I have problems meditating, so I didn’t really believe it was possible for me to find inner peace. I do remember being at peace several times during my life, however. One time while I was in the Navy, my ship was at sea; it was late, close to midnight, and I went topside for some fresh air. All I could hear were the waves sloshing against the ship; I could feel the gentle breeze through my hair and on my face; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I have never seen so many stars in the sky. It was just me at the rail, it was beautiful. The most amazing thing, though, was that I stood on the deck of a warship, feeling more at peace than I ever had before (or since).

I guess peace can sneak up on you when you least expect it. It recently snuck up on me in a very unexpected place – at the gym. I decided to start training for a marathon last week; while I was jogging on the treadmill and listening to my music, I just kinda lost myself in it. And while I was jogging, my mind cleared. All the crap that had been accumulating was pushed aside; all of my worries and my fears and my cares were gone. In their place was a sense of serenity and peace. It was amazing.

When that peace washes over me, I feel like everything will be alright. I feel as if I’m more than a tiny speck in the universe…it makes me feel like I belong here and that I’m part of it all. I hope you can all find something that brings you peace and tranquility.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty One

“Without first taking note from the way how we respond to the world around us through repeated listening, repeated contemplation and repeated meditation, there can be no advancement in our spiritual growth, and without spiritual evolution, there can never be true happiness or peace of mind.”

Sometimes change seems easy and effortless. Other times, it can be the most difficult thing in the world. One of the ways I have changed lately is to really take in what people tell me, to listen more than I talk, and to show more respect to those around me. That was actually one of the easier things I’ve done.

This project is one of the more difficult tasks; things that create real change in your life always will be. I spend a little more time each day in meditation, reflecting not only on the day’s lesson, but also on the events of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time; such as how many things have gone awry and how often everything seems to just fall apart at the most inconvenient times. However, I don’t regret anything that’s gone wrong in my life. Every step has led me to this moment, and with the changes that are happening, I can’t be upset about any of the bad things that’ve happened.

It’s slow progress, but I can feel the peace settling over me with each passing day. My mind is opening and so is my heart, and with those two things comes a happiness I haven’t known in a very long time.

Blessed Be.

Days Nineteen & Twenty

“Keeping an open mind and open heart, replacing all judgment with compassion, and peace will surely follow.”

“Don’t under-estimate the power of cause and effect. We are solely responsible for the direction in which we wish to lead our lives.”

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s been a very eventful 48 hours. Some of it was good, some not so good, but very eventful. Since I was so busy with NYE festivities, I neglected my blog last night, so I’m including today’s lesson as well as yesterday’s lesson. Let me be perfectly clear on this point: I did not reflect on the lesson at all yesterday. I don’t feel bad about it, however, as I do not feel it has negatively impacted my overall progress.

Everyone can be judgmental sometimes. It’s just a fact of life. Because of some of my personal quirks and beliefs, I really do try to keep an open. Why? Because if I am open-minded and respect the ideas, beliefs, and lifestyle choices of others, there is a greater chance that they will extend the same courtesies to me.

As far as the open heart goes….I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit on the jaded side. It is difficult for me to open up to people because I am afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, this thinking has led me to build a wall around my heart that will not allow anyone in. I’m working on slowly taking down my wall, since I know that it will cause more pain for me to remain distant than to allow people into my life. Not as easy a task as some may think, but I am working on it. I know some of you reading this may have done the same as me, and you feel safe with your hear barricaded from the world, but there is a flaw in the design. Your heart may be “safe” all blocked in, but it is also a lonely prison. The only person with the key is you, and it may be difficult and you may get hurt, but the alternative is to exist in an empty life; because that’s what a life without love – whether the love of friends and family, or that of a lover – cannot truly be lived.

Cause and effect is an interesting thing to watch. I have watched myself and others both reap the benefits of choices made, and suffer the consequences. Every action we make, every decision, everything we do; it all has an effect on the world around us. Don’t believe me? Try watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” sometime. I know that I sometimes think of what my life would be like if only one decision had been different. One pivotal moment, that one time something horrifyingly awful happens; what would life be like if I had made a decision that prevented that event instead of allowing it? My life would be drastically different right now, but I would have missed out on the greatest gift in my life – my daughter – as well as some of the best friends I’ve ever known.

Even the most insignificant actions have an effect. But it really is more than just my life that is effected by my decisions, my family and friends, my coworkers and customers, even complete strangers are effected daily by things I do. I’ve made mistakes in my life – we all have – but my mistakes have led me to this exact moment, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Know what they real key to peace and happiness? Don’t dwell on the past. Take responsibility for your actions, let go of your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on with your life.

Blessed Be.