Day Eightteen

“Peace comes about through the changes of our perspective of the worldview.”

Peace. It’s such a lovely ideal. I used to dream of a word in which peace was more common than war. I suppose I still do, but my mind no longer entertains the idea like it used to.

My perspective of peace changed a bit recently. When I was younger, I thought of peace on global terms, as if that was the only thing that mattered. World peace; it’s a little naive, and a lot impossible. There will always be someone who wants more, and that desire for more will escalate to ridiculous levels if people allow it to.

But peace can exist. Peace can exist within families and neighbors, community groups and local clubs. Through this peace, we learn acceptance, love, and respect for those around us. This mutual respect will breed a desire to help in whatever ways we are able, which will lead to cooperation, which leads to peace.

It’s too late for me to have deeper thoughts than this at the moment.

Blessed be.

Day Seventeen

“Those who desire happiness by means of wayward abandonment will never find happiness.”

As much as I wish it were otherwise, my depression has wrapped its tentacles around my neck and is currently strangling all of the happiness, hope, and love out of me. I am fighting it as best I can, but since I refuse to be put on anti-depressants (the possible side-effects are worse than the depression) it is not a particularly easy task.  So if today’s blog seems a little more down than usual, that is why.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy to figure out exactly what today’s lesson means. My mind is not in the mood to decipher. Instead, I will again relate what I have learned through personal experience. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for things to get better. In spite of my depression, I consider myself a bit of an optimist. But I am always waiting for things to get better. As if I will just wake up one morning and all my trouble will be diminished; no more debt, no more depression, no more car trouble or relationship trouble or money problems. I will wake up one morning – without actually putting effort into my life – and I will have tons of friends and the perfect house and everything that goes along with it.

Obviously, that’s a big load of crap. I sit on my butt and hope things will ‘get better’, but I never do anything to actually make things better for myself (or anyone else). So many people are like that these days. We would all rather just wait for things to happen instead of taking chances to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. No one will ever be happy if we all just sit back and wait for ‘it’ to ‘happen’…because it never will.

People in my generation (and those younger than mine) are becoming lazy; perhaps not all of us, but a damn decent portion. Guess what people? If you want to be happy, you need to get off your ass and go make it happen. Take chances, take initiative, do more with your life than play video games and gossip about people. There’s a lot more to life than those things.

I don’t know about happiness, but I did manage to find a moment of peace recently. I went to one of the local parks and went for a walk. I watched the squirrels as they raced around the trees and listened to the ducks and the geese call to each other. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to remember what’s really important in life; and what’s important is not my computer; or catching up with the latest episode of some TV show, or gossiping about celebrities.

Figure out what peace and happiness are, my friends. They may not be what you were expecting, but nothing ever is.

Blessed Be.

Day Sixteen

“Inner peace does not come about through retreating from the world, but by functioning in the world without being shackled by the confines of self-centered desires.”

If this is true, I’m never finding inner peace. In all fairness, I’m not self-centered all the time, but it does take up a decent portion of my day. I have been a little less lately. Not really saying I’ve become a saint or anything like that, just little things. Like many others, I have a touch of OCD; a side effect of this is that I love numbers. I find math and number puzzles very soothing. So when I am feeling anxious or bored, I find a way to play with numbers. One of my favorite things to do along these lines is “What If” scenarios, in which I look at the lottery jackpot and plan what I would do with the money if I were to win.

Yesterday was one such day. I spent hours working on my spreadsheet. There are many things on the list that are just for me - such as a trip to England – but there are also things for others. I’ve always had listed to pay off my parents’ house and buy my sis one, but now I’m thinking bigger. I have specific dollar amounts listed to donate to local and international charities each month (should I someday win); I want to open a horse-therapy organization in my area (where people can come to learn self-confidence and independence); helping my friends realize their dreams. The list goes on, and (had I actually won last night) I am barely scratching the surface of what I could accomplish.

Yes, I know writing things like this down doesn’t prove I’m less self-centered, but the fact that I’m thinking of more than just myself and my immediate family shows me that I am making progress. It may not seem like much to those reading my blog, but it is a huge step to me.

Still haven’t quite made it to the “inner peace” level yet; I’m still pretty far off that mark. But it is nice to know someone as selfish as me can be changed by a little reflection.

That about wraps it up for tonight. Goodnight, and Blessed Be.

Day Fifteen

“True happiness comes from within and has little bearing on the affectation of indifference to external sources.”

T’was another long, uneventful day. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to get a few things accomplished (like going to the gym and doing some cleaning around the house), but nothing really extraordinary happened today.

Today’s lesson almost sounds like it’s telling us that happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with the world around us. While I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, I cannot agree with the second. All of us are affected daily by the world around us and the actions of those who reside there.

As much as I would love to tell you that the only opinion that really matters to me is my own; that would be a lie. The opinions of others matter a great deal to me, which is why I dress the way I do, listen to the music I listen to, and make many of my daily decisions. What other people say and do affect us all; and one of the ways it can affect us is by altering our happiness. When a person insults me, it has a negative effect on my attitude. I could be on cloud nine, but I hear one bad comment and I’m suddenly so angry I could scream.

While the basis of happiness comes from within, outside influences can (and will) change one’s outlook. Don’t fret, however; we all choose what we do with the energy other people send our way. While I may not handle the negativity well, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. The world is what you make of it, and I guess that’s what really matters with today’s lesson.

I would continue my thoughts, but I’m suddenly overcome by a wave of sleepiness.

Goodnight, everyone. Blessed be.

Day Fourteen

“All healthy relationships reflect the true nature of the universe - mutually supportive, yet entirely co-independent of any energy transgression.”

One of these days I’ll actually post this during the daytime. Until then, I will continue to procrastinate with my postings until it’s almost time for bed.

Today’s reflection is one that I prefer to practice. Unfortunately, none of my relationships have been healthy for long. There is a noticeable difference, however. It is such an amazing thing to be in a mutually supportive relationship – to get back what you give out is rare for many of the people I know. The trick is finding someone who is willing to put as much effort and love into the relationship as you do. Doesn’t sound too hard, does it? Should be easy, but it isn’t. Of course, I also believe there is a reason for the unhealthy relationships. Much like days where everything seems to go wrong, bad relationships serve an important purpose in our lives.

If everything in my life was good all the time, I would take the good for granted. I have bad days; days when I feel worthless and pathetic, but those days help me appreciate how wonderful the good days really are. Relationships are the same. If there aren’t bad relationships in my life, how would I really know how good I have it when I am finally in a healthy relationship? When I was younger, I was presented an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship – a wonderful man presented his heart to me on a silver platter. In my stupid vanity, I believed I could do better; my life would be drastically different today if I had not let him pass out of my life.

Enough of regrets. It’s too late to change the past, and I would not be who I am today – I would not have made a difference in so many lives – if I had chosen different. I know now what unhealthy relationships can be like, and I look forward to the day when I am in a healthy relationship for the long haul. Even in a healthy relationship, there are bad days, but the number of wonderful days will be that much more special.

Blessed Be.