Day Twelve

“By extending our love to the nurturing of someone else other than ourselves without any condition of strings, our capacity to love as a human being expands further and elevates us to a higher level of infinite consciousness.”

It has been an utterly exhausting day. It is currently 11:30pm; I’ve been awake since 8:15am, and have been running errands, cooking, cleaning, attempting to socialize, being forced to endure the preaching at my parents’ church, and so many other things that I haven’t had a chance to breath today. I’m all ready for bed, but I wanted to make sure I finished today’s reflection before I pass out.

At this point in my life, strings are just part of the package. If I am going to love and nurture someone, I at least expect a little gratitude. At least. I prefer to be repaid in loving kindness. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people take advantage of those who love unconditionally and without expectation (I know, as I’m usually the one doing the loving), and those people are just out to use those who will love them and care for them.

Even though I’m a bit jaded at this point, it is still possible for me to be a little less selfish. Take tonight, for example. I had absolutely no desire to go to church with my family and be preached at and forced to sing songs about a savior I do not believe in. However, there is more to life than just me, and it meant a lot to my parents that I went with them (and the rest of the family). I didn’t expect anything as payment, I went to make my parents smile.

Sometimes that’s all we really need in life, just a reason to smile. So today, I hope everyone can find a reason to smile; but even if you can’t, it would be nice if you could be someone’s reason to smile.

Day Eleven

“It is not because relationships are trying that we do not dare to love; it is because we do not dare to love with an open heart and pure intent that relationships are trying.”

There is a very unfair catch to this particular lesson. If I love with an open heart and have pure intent, the relationship may still be trying. Do you know why? Because the person I’m in love with isn’t necessarily doing the same. If one person is giving all they have to a relationship and they are being open and honest, but the other person isn’t; the relationship will likely fail.

I was speaking to my sister today about this. She had this to say, “Unconditional love is something I give to my family and friends. And pets. My love is not freely given.”

At first, this seemed harsh, but then I realized that there are reasons for that. The first of which is that she’s never been in love. The second is that she has watched me through the years; she has seen me love unconditionally many times and each time she has seen me hurt by the one who claimed to love me in return.

I, on the other hand, believe unconditional love is possible. But no one is perfect. We all screw up sometimes, so we must be able to forgive those we love for doing stupid things that hurt us, and they must be able to forgive us as well. Relationships (of all kinds) take work. Romantic relationships, families, friendships, and even our personal relationship with our deities; they all take work, and they can all be trying.

Our lives are like a garden; we must protect the plants (relationships) when they are new, nurture them as they grow; we must be able to see which plants are not going to make it, and which ones should not have been allowed in the garden in the first place. The weeds must be removed to allow the rest of the garden a chance to thrive. But there is more to it than that. There are some plants that mean the world to us, but that will not last long, such as seasonal flowers. These plants cannot remain in our garden forever (no matter how much we wish they could), and they will eventually die and need to be removed. If you do not remove these dead plants (relationships) to make room your garden will not flourish; you will miss the one plant so much that you neglect the others, and soon they will all die.

Cheers to those of you who tend your gardens well. I have neglected mine for too many years, but I am working on making it beautiful again.

Day Ten

“Openness attracts openness. Sincerity and truthfulness are the foundations of authentic relationship; whereas fear, the sign of obscuration, is its biggest foe.”

As much as I would love to say that I’m open with everyone, I’m really not; which is something I found out today even before I read the day’s lesson. I overheard my parents having a conversation about me this morning. I won’t go into detail, but they’re getting irritated with me, and will talk to each other about it, but not to me. In all fairness, I had plenty of opportunities today to bring up the subject, but I didn’t. It was just easier to let things go unsaid.

Needless to say, I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents at this point in my life. It’s a work in progress. There is a reason I’m not open with my parents. I have done a lot over my lifetime which my parents were not pleased with (sometimes even to the point of being a major disappointment), and since I’m currently stuck living with them, I really don’t want to do anything to offend them or disappoint them more than I have. Instead, I go through life quiet as a mouse, hoping to sneak by without a squeak so as not to upset the delicate balance of life in the house.

Obviously, this fear I have of upsetting my parents is killing the relationship, but I’m too afraid to tell them what’s really been going on…at least, not yet. I don’t want to ruin the holidays (and what little freedom I have). I will wait until next year to talk to them about the situation that’s been upsetting them.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now that I’ve given an example of a bad relationship based on fear, let’s balance it out with an open relationship. My best friend (who happens to be male) and I can talk about anything. I’m not just saying that, we really can, and do, talk about everything. I talk to him about my cycle and the terrible cramps which accompany it; he tells me about his sexual escapades. There are no borders and no rules (except honesty and an open mind). Though we are different religions, we even help each other develop spiritually. It is wonderful to have this type of connection with someone that is based on truth, love, and trust, and to know that there is no judgment between us.

My soul is happy with what I’ve learned today. Everyone has had at least one relationship which is based on fear instead of love and truth. At this point, I am going to try to fix my broken relationship with my parents. It’s going to take a fair amount of work, but I’m more than willing to pit in the time and effort. My parents are worth it. I will go at it one relationship at a time, and I won’t stop until I’ve fixed them all.

Blessed Yule, and goodnight.

Day Nine

“Without the true interaction of sincerity and loving kindness, no relationship can be deemed authentic.”

I’m not feeling myself tonight, so I’m going to make this one short. This is not exclusive to romantic relationships.  Sincerity and kindness are essential to any relationship, but they are not the only essentials. Truth is another big one. I would rather have someone be truthful and it hurt my feelings a bit than lie to me and spare me the pain. Why? Because the truth will eventually come out, and the pain will be at least two-fold (the pain of truth, and the pain of someone who was trusted lying to me).

This is beginning to feel like more of a rant than a spiritual journey (which is what I had intended it to be).  As will all true progress, this is going at a snail’s pace. I can feel a slight difference now from when I began, but I can’t feel the difference day-to-day. Every day I feel myself caring more and helping more. There are times (already) when I just want to trash to project and keep going the way I have been for years, but I know that there is a purpose for the project. And I get this feeling – a slight twitching in my intuition – something I’ve been looking forward to for years (something I’ve REALLY wanted) will happen if I finish. It may sound selfish, but I am doing this for me and not for everyone else. While it’s true that others will benefit from my being a better person, I am doing this for my, first and foremost.

Enough for tonight, I need to get to bed before I fall asleep on my laptop. Goodnight, all. Have a lovely day.

Day Eight

“We could not begin to love another person unless we are capable of loving ourselves.”

I know today’s lesson all too well. Not only have I been in relationships where the other person does not love himself (and, therefore, cannot truly love me), I have also been in relationships in which I was the one who did not love myself.

A lot of people get this one wrong. With all of the ads today showing off how beautiful everyone should be; it is no wonder that loving myself is such a problem. Do I love myself? Sometimes I think I do, other times, not so much. Books, television, movies, magazines; there are countless things in the world telling me to look younger, or be thinner, or to have bigger boobs. But you know what? I don’t want to look younger; there is nothing wrong with the age I’m at now. I don’t want to look like a super model; they all look like they could use some real food in their diets. I’m happy with my figure, and I know that I am beautiful – not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. And on the inside is where the beautiful truly matters.

It took me a long time to get to this point. I realized as I was writing this that I do love myself. That doesn’t mean I think I am perfect, I know there is room for improvement, but I also know that I am fine just the way I am at this very moment.

When I was younger, I didn’t really love myself. I was vain and shallow and selfish. I suppose I still am all of those things, just in smaller quantities. Many experiences in the past 13 years have taught me that there is more to life than looks and money. It is greater to love than anything else. With this thought in mind, I would like to point out a flip side to today’s lesson: No one can truly love you who does not love himself.

That’s right; if you’re in a relationship with someone who does not love him (or her) self, that person cannot truly love you. And I do not mean someone who is so taken by his reflection that all he cares about is looks (and that’s all he will care about in the end), I’m talking about someone who has a good heart and can accept his personal flaws; that person will not see you for your looks. That person will see all there is to see about you – both the good and the bad – and love you for all of it. Someone who does not love himself will see his flaws in you and secretly (or openly) resent you for them.

Got off on a bit of a rant there, but at least I know I have thoroughly soaked in today’s lesson. I am able to truly love others because I can truly love myself. Anyone who says they can love, but whom does not love himself, is not really capable of that love you so desire.