Something's Missing

I recently joined a great community for Pagans called WitchForum.net. There are a lot of really great people there and those great people are full of great information (which they are willing to share). Everyone has been very nice and helpful. I find myself drawn to their supernatural and paranormal encounters section and tonight, as I was reading some of the various topics other users have posted, I realized that there is something missing from my life. Story time!

I grew up in the same house my mom grew up in. It was a neighborhood I always felt safe in. Our neighbors were the same couple that had lived there since my mom was a child, so we were all very close. As I got older, I became aware of strange things happening in the house and around the neighborhood. I could go on forever with the stories, but I will just say that many of the strange things were supernatural in nature, and I was not the only one who saw them (or heard them; or felt them).

During my Naval training, I was stationed at a base that had been an airfield (I have mentioned in previous posts) and I had some pretty terrifying encounters with the supernatural while I was there. I went to the Mediterranean on my first ship. Though the ship was relatively safe (it had been commissioned the same year I joined), the same cannot be said about the all of the ports we visited. I saw several shadow people in Venice, as well as having a creature I could feel but not see physically attack me at one of our stops in Spain (I had three claw-marks across my back to prove it).

I bought a house in Virginia while I was stationed there. My ex talked me into it; I wanted the cute ranch-style house, but he insisted on a too-big, two-story duplex. I could not look at or go near the detached garage without feeling like it was watching me (with sinister intent). Early mornings, when I would wait for my friend to pick me up from work, I would sit on the front porch steps and watch cat-sized shadows dash back and forth across the street.

My second ship, significantly older than the first, was haunted by multiple spirits. The most notable being that of a young girl with curly hair. During a Tiger Cruise, she was playing in one of the ladder wells near the armory. She lost her grip and fell. I never did see her, but I knew several who did; she liked to play hide and seek or step out and scare people who went further down than the armory.

Finally, when I was discharged from the Navy, I returned home. The house I am currently living in is only about 20 years old, as is the rest of the neighborhood. It is a beautiful house and I love it, but there is something missing. All my life, I have been surrounded by the supernatural and it just does not exist in this house. I find myself missing the sinister feeling I would get when my "stalkers" were near; I would always cast a spell of protection or warding or banishing to get rid of them for a while, but they always came back. I miss watching the shadow-creatures playing in the moonlight. And I miss feeling anything supernatural happening.

Perhaps when I move I will find a house with a bit of history to it so I can grasp that supernatural presence again.

Deja Vu

For several months before my return to Paganism, I would have these strange episodes of deja vu. They were the most extreme in December. It wasn't just that I had experienced something similar, but I already knew exactly what was going to happen next. I would become dizzy and nauseated, and then I would just know. The most vivid was such a simple event: I was driving home from work and chatting on the phone with my fiance (using a headset, of course). I felt the dizziness and nausea, and suddenly I knew exactly how the conversation would pan out; every joke, every detail, every sigh. I even knew that I would be seeing a wild rabbit bolt across the road ahead of me.

Now, I have done as much reading as I can on the subject, but since deja vu cannot be predicted, it is very difficult to for scientists to study in order to determine a cause. Now, being the open-minded person I am, I do not think that all things can be explained by science. This is one of those things. Instead, I like to think that these incidents were more a message from a guardian or guide to be on my toes. I have a very good reason for this line of thinking. Though I can't recall every incident of deja vu, the one mentioned above sticks out in my mind for another reason: it saved my life. I am the type of person who, if I think I can make it through a yellow light, I will speed up a bit. In my deja vu haze, I myself stopping like a good girl and another car blast through the intersection just as the light turned red for me to stop. Without that knowing that I needed to stop, I would have rolled through and been hit by the other car.

While I'm not certain what unseen entities surround us all daily, I am thankful that they are here and that st least some of them are benevolent and extremely helpful.

Blessed Be

Not Much Fun

The past week has been filled with negativity. It all started with my modem dying last Wednesday. I have been listening to peaceful, calming music for days now and it doesn't seem to help calm my mind at all. The worst part is that I feel as though my life is spiraling into a pit of despair and there is nothing I can do to stop it. If I take a few deep breaths I can focus my mind, but it doesn't last. I feel as if there is something forcing the negativity into my very soul, and until I can figure out what that thing is, the days are just going to seem worse.

Perhaps the problem is that I am keeping secrets from my family. I hadn't really thought about it before, but I haven't told my parents that I decided to go back to school. Why not? For the same reason I haven't told them about my spiritual and religious beliefs: I am afraid of a negative, non-supportive response. Every decision in my life boils down to that one little thing. I am afraid of my parents' disapproval.

What I need is a way to let go of that fear and become confident in my choices. If anyone out there has a spell for releasing negative energy from your life, or letting go of your fears, please share. I would love a little bit of help right about now.

Energy Works

Not everyone believes that they have the power to influence others. I know I didn't used to. When I was 18, I thought it was completely ridiculous to think that my moods or thoughts had any effect on those around me. I have since learned better. I was 19 the first time I realized that I could manipulate energy. As with many other life lessons, I had no idea the possibilities that were about to be presented.

It was an innocent mistake. My friends and I were standing around, joking as usual and playing with our lighters. We'd flip open our Zippos, watch the flame for a few second, then flip them closed and enjoy their warmth. I had started a game of sorts, to challenge my friends to which of us could tolerate the most heat, leaving the lighter burn a little longer each time. Unfortunately, a still-opened lighter slipped from one friend's grasp and fell on another's hand, burning him pretty bad. I, being curious and always ready to help, took his hand gently...at least, I tried to. As soon as my fingers touched him, he pulled his hand back as if I'd shocked him. After a mini-interrogation, in which I revealed that I was feeling concern and a desire to help my friend heal as I reached out to take his hand, I was told that he could feel a jolt of energy from me that had instantly cooled his burned hand.

Several days passed and, as expected, the wound began to heal, but at a greatly accelerated rate. By the time one week had passed, it was completely healed, leaving only a scar in the waffle-pattern of the flame guard of a Zippo lighter.


After that, I had several lessons on the responsible use of energy and have since experimented a few times, just to make sure I can still do it. In the 12 years since that first incident, I have lessened pain from injuries and helped people heal, as well as changing the mood of a room from negative to positive, making small changed in the weather, on one occasion making a very significant change in the weather, and many other things.

I learned that it is possible to make changes to those around me if I can focus on doing so. But there is also a cautionary tale to go along with this little anecdote: as with everything else in magick, the intent plays a part on the outcome of what you do. In my example above, I only wanted to help my friend, and it had miraculous results. However, I have done things in the past with purely selfish intent, not caring who was hurt in the process. And let me tell you something, Karma will come back to bite you in the butt when people get hurt because of a spell you cast. It's not pleasant.

Learn from my mistakes, be careful what you do when it comes to energy manipulation. It is more rewarding by far to use your skills to help others than to do harm on those who have hurt you. Just a little something to think about.

Blessed Be

Music is Powerful

I went to a baseball game last night. It's been years since I went to any sporting event and I forgot that they have someone sing the National Anthem before the game starts. Now, I'm pretty sure there weren't many (if any) other Pagans in the audience, but that made no difference. There was a great deal of positive energy flowing from and through the crowd as we all stood and listened. And as I stood there, I realized that music can influence is a magical thing. Music has the power to influence large groups of people; it can induce feelings of peace and love and joy, or it can fill a room with anger and hatred. It is a truly amazing thing.

I am going to start incorporating music into my meditation and prayer. Since certain songs can raise my energy levels, it seems reasonable to believe that it can assist in anything I do which requires focused energy (meditation, spells, rituals) and thus increase the likelihood of success.

Last night, I felt something in that crowd that I haven't felt in a very long time: true patriotism, love for our country, and a unity of spirit and mind throughout the stadium I didn't realize existed anymore. And it was a beautiful moment that I will remember and cherish.

Blessed Be

Fueling the Fires of Ignorance

This story is part of the reason that I've been in the broom closet so long. Ignorance about witchcraft and the close-mindedness of reporters and so-called "religious experts" fuels the fear of any religion that is not main stream and it needs to stop.

If you're not interested in reading the article, I'll give you a basic rundown. Wednesday (7/6/11), a box with several decapitated animals was left outside a Tampa, FL jail. Investigators are rather convinced it was ritualistic and someone trying to send a message. The reporters also interviewed a religious expert who connected the incident with witchcraft.

I have read many more articles of a similar nature and I found an interesting pattern. Almost any time a region becomes accepting of the Pagan community, some story is spread around (whether true or not) about bad things happening that are somehow connected to witchcraft (in some form or other). It is disgusting that, in this day and age, there is so much fear and hatred towards the Pagan community. I'm wondering if there will ever truly be a time when "witch" is no longer considered a derogatory term. Only time will tell.

Handfasting

My fiance - who is not particularly religious - recently caved to my pestering and agreed to a Handfasting instead of a more "traditional" wedding ceremony. Now that the nagging has stopped, I have a more difficult task ahead of me: planning a ceremony that does not seriously offend my church-going relatives; most especially my uber-religious grandmother and her siblings. Luckily for me, one of my cousins is a Priestess and has already agreed to perform the ceremony/ritual for us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of my religious choices or the choices of my family, I just don't want anyone to have a heart attack or start screaming about how I'm a sinner and am going to hell on my wedding day. I've done some research online and read through a few books and most of them detail complicated rituals that likely make most of my friends and family very uncomfortable.

I was discussing this little dilemma with my cousin yesterday, and she came up with a solution I hadn't really thought of: for her, my fiance, and I to sit down and write a ceremony that works for us as a couple, but will not offend any of our non-Pagan guests.

We're going to wait until the wedding is a little closer before we have our first meeting, but at least we are headed in the right direction...ours.

Blessed Be

Intuition

Ever have a "gut feeling," a "hunch," or know something because of "instinct?" All of this leads to the same thing: intuition. Many of the people I know have not learned to trust their intuition; most probably don't even know what it really is when it interrupts their day.

I was once like that; I used to get a "feeling" about people or places. There are a few note-worthy occasions. When I was 19, I was in training on a military base built on an old airfield. "Wrong" is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt around one of the air strips. I hated going there alone and would only do so when I had no other choice. After my transfer and the increased popularity of the internet, I found out there had been a fire that killed a flight crew on that strip.

I've had similar experiences with locations around the world, but it is not limited to places. There have been more times than I can count that I get the same feeling about a person - that feeling of something being wrong. No matter how many times I have tried to ignore it or prove it wrong, if I go against my intuition when it comes to people, it always comes back to bite me on the butt. More than once, I have found myself in a dangerous situation because I trusted someone even though my intuition was telling me not to.

Now that I am older and wiser, I know to trust my feelings, but I cannot regret the mistakes I made in the past. Why do I not regret? Several reasons, the first of which is that, those who do not make mistakes cannot learn from them. Second, I would not be as strong a person as I am today. Finally, through one of my mistakes, I was given a beautiful gift that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

How do I know if my intuition is warning me about something or someone? In the simplest terms, I get a feeling. For example, I will shake someone's hand when introduced and my stomach will suddenly be in knots and I feel sick. Several times, I just thought it was something that I had eaten earlier not agreeing with me; instead, it is my intuition warning me that this person is dangerous or not what he or she seems to be. I have since learned to trust these feelings, now that I know what they are.

I am reading a book right now that is helping me to further develop my intuition. While not necessarily related to Paganism and spirituality, I feel that developing your intuition and learning to trust it are important. I chose Paganism because it helps me to feel at peace; both with myself, and with the world around me. As far as I'm concerned, until you can recognize what your intuition is trying to tell you and to trust it, you cannot find peace and balance within yourself.

Of course, that's just me.

Blessed Be

Peer Pressure

As I sit here on the couch today, I am contemplating the cycles of my spirituality. When I first started out, I had a few friends with me to help me learn and develop. They were encouraging and patient and all-around fabulous. Unfortunately, we were all in the military and once we had our orders, I never really saw or heard from them again. I remained strong in my beliefs and practices for several years after our parting.

Through the natural happenings of living in small spaces with too many people, I made some new friends. When I began hanging out with these friends outside of work, I realized that they (and the others they associated with) were all Christians (not that there's anything wrong with that). As another year went by, I found myself pressured to hide my religion from them, even though they all knew I was Pagan. My reasoning for this was that if they thought I had given up the "evil ways of Paganism and Witchcraft" they would stop pressuring me to attend church with them.

I was wrong.

Instead, it encouraged their persistence. Eventually, I folded under the pressure and went with them. In an effort to fit in, I continued going for several months, but I never really felt like I belonged there. Word had somehow leaked about me and I had strangers coming up to me saying things like "I'm going to pray for your salvation." At that point, the only thing I needed saving from was my choice to attend church.

When the time came for me to be transferred to a new command, I couldn't have been more excited. I was able to detach from the people I had considered friends, but who never really accepted me for who I am. Once I was free of the oppression of my so-called "friends" I began to get back in touch with the only spiritual path which ever felt right: Paganism. I continued to develop for several years before I left the military, I was strong in my religion, but not my spirituality.

I returned home to California after too many years of being away. Almost immediately, I realized that I was in foreign territory. Both my parents were raised Christian, as was pretty much the entire family. With the exception of one of my cousins and his wife, I was alone in my beliefs. Not knowing how the family would take it, I hid that part of myself from those whom I felt would not understand. As the months turned into years, I had lost touch with the part of me that remained hidden away in the broom closet.

As I've previously written, my parents and daughter started attending church several months ago. The peer pressure I thought was gone from my life re-emerged each week for months as I have been repeatedly asked to join them. Though I still not professed the entire truth, I finally told my dad, as he was nagging me to join them to a Wednesday night event, that I had different views and beliefs and that I was in no way interested in joining them. The result of me doing this was a Sunday morning free of nagging while the rest of the household prepared for church.

If only I had done that years ago, perhaps I could have avoided the feeling that I never fit in when I was pressured into attending church.

So, for those out there who have been feeling pressure from family, even if you are not ready to come out of the broom closet, be honest if you are not interested in going to church or attending faith ceremonies which otherwise leave you feeling empty. Your family and friends will still love you for who you are, even if they do not understand your reasoning.

Be strong, and know that there are others out there having similar issues. Take comfort in the knowledge that there is a wonderful support network out there of people who share your religion and views, all you have to do is reach out and someone will be there to help you.

Blessed Be

Don't Roll Your Eyes...

Tonight I prayed for the first time in a very long time. At this point, you may be asking why a self-proclaimed Pagan would spend any time praying. To this, I have but one question... why wouldn't I pray? Many of the Pagans I have met considered prayer a Christian thing and just wrote it off as useless to anyone who wasn't part of that religion. Of course, those were also the people who told me I was "doing it wrong" when I said I didn't belong to a coven, hadn't participated in any group ceremonies or rituals, and prefer a solitary practice of my religion/spirituality.

Back on topic, I have never known a more direct way to getting in touch with the higher powers than through prayer. There is no need for me to break out the altar and the white robe so that I can perform a ritual every time I wish to communicate. I don't have to chant, beat out a rhythm on the drums, or rhyme everything I say. I close my eyes, focus my energy, and reach out to the world around me. I usually don't pray aloud, since the sound of my own voice tends to break my concentration. Instead, I look within myself for what it is I am seeking and ask for it in my mind and in my heart. There is no set amount of time for me to do this; once I am certain that I have been "heard" by the higher powers, I give thanks and break the connection.

With what I've just revealed, you may now be asking a different question: How do you know when you've been heard? On this, I can only speak through my own experience. I feel it. It is a seed of warmth and light planted in my heart. Once the warmth and light surrounds me and envelops me in a sense of peace, I know I have been heard. This is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced. All of my fears and doubts are washed away, if only for a few moments.

Now I present you with a of couple questions of my own: How do you pray? How do you know if you have been heard?

Starting Over

I think part of the reason many people look down at Pagans is because, when asked about our beliefs, many of us do not know how to respond. This is probably because so many who are interested pick up whatever random book strikes their fancy and start in the middle instead of at the beginning. It is difficult to grasp the intricacies of rituals and develop a deep connection when you do not really understand what you are supposed to be connecting with. When I was younger, I remember spending hours in the "Alternative Religion" section of bookstores looking for spellbooks because I thought that's all there was to Wicca and Paganism.

After much searching, I have been able to find the books, tarot cards, crystals, and other items I thought I would never see again. Most of what I have are more "advanced" than I feel at the moment, so I went out and purchased a book called  Pagan Spirituality: A Guide to Personal Transformation. Don't get me wrong, the other books I have are wonderful and informative, but I feel the need to develop my spirituality before I venture out into the rest of Paganism.

How can anyone explain a religion they don't understand? The simple answer is: They can't. And too many people are afraid of Paganism (regardless of which branch of Paganism is practiced). When people ask what my religion is - and then question that religion - I want to be able to say with confidence what I believe and why others are wrong to think Pagans are evil.

Born Again Pagan

I have been a Pagan for around 12 years, but haven’t been active in my spirituality or religion in nearly six years. My family recently began attending church on Sundays. I have been invited, but, being Pagan, I have no interest so I haven’t joined them. In the last few weeks, I’ve been to two funerals and a wedding – and between those three events, I probably sat through 2 hours of sermons and preaching. During the sermons, my family and friends sat teary-eyed while I remained unmoved.

Over the weekend, I realized that I wanted to get back to where I was years ago. I’m writing this blog to share my experiences and the difficulties in being a Pagan in a Christian home. Also, I have found many informative blogs, but few (if any) have started from the beginning of their journey. While my journey technically began over 12 years ago, I am starting from scratch this time around.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I hope my experiences help you to grow and develop.

Blessed Be