Day Twenty-nine

“Self-reflection is more than just the means and the end of self-examination and self-rectification; it is the path which leads to the consecration of self-realization.”

With my schedule a little more limited this week, I have decided to cut back to every-other day until I can work out the proper balance of time each day for all I have to accomplish. Hopefully I will be back to daily meditations once I can get my schedule under control.

I’ve been working on this project for around a month now, and the daily reflection has helped me to better understand my true nature. It’s funny, I was thinking about it before I even opened my laptop to find out today’s reflection; I have to say that at this point, I’m not terribly impressed. As much as I would like to say that I am doing so much for others since I began, I have truly just become more selfish than ever before.

Don’t get me wrong, I am doing more each day that benefits others, but I am not doing it solely for the benefit of those others. I am really doing it for me; I do nice things so that people will acknowledge me and tell me how wonderful I am. And when I don’t get my way…well, let’s just say I’m not a very nice person when I don’t get my way. That’s not to say that I throw a fit or beat the crap out of people; I’m more subtle than that.

This project was supposed to help me find balance, and I suppose it’s working grandly, as I am far more accepting of who I am compared to how accepting I was a month ago when this all began.

I can’t say whether or not I will truly become a better person when this is all said and done, but I do know that I will know exactly who I am and what I am capable of.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Six

“True happiness comes with the realization of one’s true nature and identity.”

I needed a few days off to reflect on where I truly am in my life right now. Things have been up and down (mostly down) this year, and I needed to take a step back and get some perspective. I realized that part of the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m holding onto old ideas and dreams that aren’t my own. Some are from my family, others from past failures in an attempt to find love, and others still are from friends. My eyes are more open now than ever before, and with that comes the ability to see that some things either need to be put on the back-burner for a while, or thrown out altogether.

Some projects that were precious to me are getting tossed out. It’s time to start anew. The reason I’m starting over now is because I’m finding out what I enjoy. I am accepting things that – in the past – I didn’t like about myself. But the reason I didn’t like these things is because someone else said it was wrong for me to be a certain way, or like certain things, or think certain thoughts. Well guess what? It’s my life, and no one can dictate what I can and cannot do except me. I’m not talking about breaking laws here; I’m just talking about being myself and being ok with who I am.

Part of this process is breaking down the barriers that I’ve worked so hard to put up around myself. Unfortunately, the raw emotions those barriers used to keep out is flooding into my soul at a rather alarming rate. The emotions are completely overwhelming part of the time, and I find myself only able to cry. As I learn the driving force behind each emotion, I am able to gain a bit of control over it. Slowly, I am opening myself up as well as discovering who I am. And so far I have discovered that I may not be the person everyone wants me to be, but I am the best me I can be (and getting better by the day)…which is something I am happy with.

Finding your true self is not something that just happens. It takes time and effort; but it is worth everything you put into it and more.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Five

“Peace that arises from compassion pacifies fear just as water puts out fire.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: we’re back on compassion AGAIN? Of course we are. I know I realized it long before today, but all of the lessons eventually tie back into each other. I’m a bit on the sick side tonight, so I’m going to make it as brief as I can (so I can crawl into bed and go to sleep).

Compassion is a wonderful thing. It’s magical in its own right, really. So it makes sense to say that peace that is brought about by an act of compassion will help negate a person’s fears (or the fears of many people). Let’s take a random selfless act: my daughter’s Girl Scout troop collects food donations for a local family who isn’t able to make the ends meet. That is a great act of compassion, and the fears of that family will be silenced – at least for a time – which will bring about a less stressful time for the parents (which will, in turn, bring about a sense of peace).

If you’re not following, it may be because my logic isn’t entirely sound when I have the flu. That is the best way I could describe it at the moment, and even if you don’t know what I mean, at least I know. That’s it for now, as I’m being overcome by sleep.

Goodnight and Blessed Be.

Day Twenty-Four

“Innocence is a state of holiness which comes with the clarity of inner peace. Without the presence of inner peace, there can be no reality. Thus love without innocence is not real. It is just another hybrid fear imbued with the emotional colouring of fantasy.”

This explains why none of my relationships have worked out. I haven’t really felt the sense of inner peace while in a relationship since I was a teenager. There was a time I saw love with the purity and innocence of youth. After several failed attempts at relationships, the inner peace and innocence abandoned me…or perhaps I abandoned them.

Either way, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if innocence and inner peace determine whether or not love is real. Perhaps the word ‘innocence’ here does not necessarily mean the innocence of childhood; it could mean a spiritual innocence. What do I mean by ‘spiritual innocence’? Think of it as a purification of the soul. Again, this is not as sudden as a light coming on when you flip a switch; spiritual innocence is like spring cleaning (it takes a while, but when you finish there is a sense of accomplishment, healthier living, and a feeling of freshness).

I am in the middle of such a cleansing. This cleansing will take months (if not years), and I am looking forward to the final purification. I know that it will take longer than this project, and I can also feel that something wonderful will happen when I’m done. Of course, it is more than just this self-improvement project, and it is more than the purification. This is something that I will continue until the day I die – like anything else in life that’s worth having, it will take a lot of work and be well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Three

“Following the goodness of your inner self will ultimately reward you with more lasting joys and satisfaction than any amount of compensation from external sources through mundane means.”

We’ve all heard this one before: money doesn’t buy happiness. It sure can make life a little less stressful, though. No, I’m not about to start ranting about the economy or any of that crap. I’m not here for that. The economy has nothing to do with my personal spiritual journey.

So, back to what I was saying. Money can’t buy happiness. Know what can? Following your heart and doing your best. If you don’t do those things, yet you have money, you will have an empty existence that you are constantly trying to fill with material goods which mean nothing.

Not everyone can see this simple thing. My daughter can see it. She likes material possessions just fine, but she knows that there are more important things. For example, for the last three years, she has asked Santa to make sure everyone is happy. Not just her family and friends; she wants E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E to be happy. That’s what it’s all about (that’s right, it’s not about the Hokey Pokey anymore!).

It’s a slow process to change your mind set to one which is more optimistic and happier, but it is well worth the effort.

Blessed Be

Day Twenty-Two

“Peace is the holy communion of Man and Universe.”

I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about global peace here. Inner peace can be such a wonderful thing. It’s not particularly easy to find, but it can be found.

I have problems meditating, so I didn’t really believe it was possible for me to find inner peace. I do remember being at peace several times during my life, however. One time while I was in the Navy, my ship was at sea; it was late, close to midnight, and I went topside for some fresh air. All I could hear were the waves sloshing against the ship; I could feel the gentle breeze through my hair and on my face; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I have never seen so many stars in the sky. It was just me at the rail, it was beautiful. The most amazing thing, though, was that I stood on the deck of a warship, feeling more at peace than I ever had before (or since).

I guess peace can sneak up on you when you least expect it. It recently snuck up on me in a very unexpected place – at the gym. I decided to start training for a marathon last week; while I was jogging on the treadmill and listening to my music, I just kinda lost myself in it. And while I was jogging, my mind cleared. All the crap that had been accumulating was pushed aside; all of my worries and my fears and my cares were gone. In their place was a sense of serenity and peace. It was amazing.

When that peace washes over me, I feel like everything will be alright. I feel as if I’m more than a tiny speck in the universe…it makes me feel like I belong here and that I’m part of it all. I hope you can all find something that brings you peace and tranquility.

Blessed Be