Peer Pressure

As I sit here on the couch today, I am contemplating the cycles of my spirituality. When I first started out, I had a few friends with me to help me learn and develop. They were encouraging and patient and all-around fabulous. Unfortunately, we were all in the military and once we had our orders, I never really saw or heard from them again. I remained strong in my beliefs and practices for several years after our parting.

Through the natural happenings of living in small spaces with too many people, I made some new friends. When I began hanging out with these friends outside of work, I realized that they (and the others they associated with) were all Christians (not that there's anything wrong with that). As another year went by, I found myself pressured to hide my religion from them, even though they all knew I was Pagan. My reasoning for this was that if they thought I had given up the "evil ways of Paganism and Witchcraft" they would stop pressuring me to attend church with them.

I was wrong.

Instead, it encouraged their persistence. Eventually, I folded under the pressure and went with them. In an effort to fit in, I continued going for several months, but I never really felt like I belonged there. Word had somehow leaked about me and I had strangers coming up to me saying things like "I'm going to pray for your salvation." At that point, the only thing I needed saving from was my choice to attend church.

When the time came for me to be transferred to a new command, I couldn't have been more excited. I was able to detach from the people I had considered friends, but who never really accepted me for who I am. Once I was free of the oppression of my so-called "friends" I began to get back in touch with the only spiritual path which ever felt right: Paganism. I continued to develop for several years before I left the military, I was strong in my religion, but not my spirituality.

I returned home to California after too many years of being away. Almost immediately, I realized that I was in foreign territory. Both my parents were raised Christian, as was pretty much the entire family. With the exception of one of my cousins and his wife, I was alone in my beliefs. Not knowing how the family would take it, I hid that part of myself from those whom I felt would not understand. As the months turned into years, I had lost touch with the part of me that remained hidden away in the broom closet.

As I've previously written, my parents and daughter started attending church several months ago. The peer pressure I thought was gone from my life re-emerged each week for months as I have been repeatedly asked to join them. Though I still not professed the entire truth, I finally told my dad, as he was nagging me to join them to a Wednesday night event, that I had different views and beliefs and that I was in no way interested in joining them. The result of me doing this was a Sunday morning free of nagging while the rest of the household prepared for church.

If only I had done that years ago, perhaps I could have avoided the feeling that I never fit in when I was pressured into attending church.

So, for those out there who have been feeling pressure from family, even if you are not ready to come out of the broom closet, be honest if you are not interested in going to church or attending faith ceremonies which otherwise leave you feeling empty. Your family and friends will still love you for who you are, even if they do not understand your reasoning.

Be strong, and know that there are others out there having similar issues. Take comfort in the knowledge that there is a wonderful support network out there of people who share your religion and views, all you have to do is reach out and someone will be there to help you.

Blessed Be

Don't Roll Your Eyes...

Tonight I prayed for the first time in a very long time. At this point, you may be asking why a self-proclaimed Pagan would spend any time praying. To this, I have but one question... why wouldn't I pray? Many of the Pagans I have met considered prayer a Christian thing and just wrote it off as useless to anyone who wasn't part of that religion. Of course, those were also the people who told me I was "doing it wrong" when I said I didn't belong to a coven, hadn't participated in any group ceremonies or rituals, and prefer a solitary practice of my religion/spirituality.

Back on topic, I have never known a more direct way to getting in touch with the higher powers than through prayer. There is no need for me to break out the altar and the white robe so that I can perform a ritual every time I wish to communicate. I don't have to chant, beat out a rhythm on the drums, or rhyme everything I say. I close my eyes, focus my energy, and reach out to the world around me. I usually don't pray aloud, since the sound of my own voice tends to break my concentration. Instead, I look within myself for what it is I am seeking and ask for it in my mind and in my heart. There is no set amount of time for me to do this; once I am certain that I have been "heard" by the higher powers, I give thanks and break the connection.

With what I've just revealed, you may now be asking a different question: How do you know when you've been heard? On this, I can only speak through my own experience. I feel it. It is a seed of warmth and light planted in my heart. Once the warmth and light surrounds me and envelops me in a sense of peace, I know I have been heard. This is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced. All of my fears and doubts are washed away, if only for a few moments.

Now I present you with a of couple questions of my own: How do you pray? How do you know if you have been heard?

Starting Over

I think part of the reason many people look down at Pagans is because, when asked about our beliefs, many of us do not know how to respond. This is probably because so many who are interested pick up whatever random book strikes their fancy and start in the middle instead of at the beginning. It is difficult to grasp the intricacies of rituals and develop a deep connection when you do not really understand what you are supposed to be connecting with. When I was younger, I remember spending hours in the "Alternative Religion" section of bookstores looking for spellbooks because I thought that's all there was to Wicca and Paganism.

After much searching, I have been able to find the books, tarot cards, crystals, and other items I thought I would never see again. Most of what I have are more "advanced" than I feel at the moment, so I went out and purchased a book called  Pagan Spirituality: A Guide to Personal Transformation. Don't get me wrong, the other books I have are wonderful and informative, but I feel the need to develop my spirituality before I venture out into the rest of Paganism.

How can anyone explain a religion they don't understand? The simple answer is: They can't. And too many people are afraid of Paganism (regardless of which branch of Paganism is practiced). When people ask what my religion is - and then question that religion - I want to be able to say with confidence what I believe and why others are wrong to think Pagans are evil.

Born Again Pagan

I have been a Pagan for around 12 years, but haven’t been active in my spirituality or religion in nearly six years. My family recently began attending church on Sundays. I have been invited, but, being Pagan, I have no interest so I haven’t joined them. In the last few weeks, I’ve been to two funerals and a wedding – and between those three events, I probably sat through 2 hours of sermons and preaching. During the sermons, my family and friends sat teary-eyed while I remained unmoved.

Over the weekend, I realized that I wanted to get back to where I was years ago. I’m writing this blog to share my experiences and the difficulties in being a Pagan in a Christian home. Also, I have found many informative blogs, but few (if any) have started from the beginning of their journey. While my journey technically began over 12 years ago, I am starting from scratch this time around.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I hope my experiences help you to grow and develop.

Blessed Be